"Live Like You Were Dying"

        Many years ago, Tim Mcgraw came out with a song called, "Live Like You Were Dying". In this song, he talks about a man who was told his time here on earth was short. It talks about the things the man went to do before he passed. This is a song that a has gained a greater meaning in our life over the past year and has become a motto that is constantly in my mind.
         No I wasn't told by a team of doctors that my time on earth was about to come to an end, but one year ago today I WAS told by a team of doctors that "there was nothing more they could do for my almost 6 month baby boy" and he would soon be leaving our arms and this earth. There is nothing in the world that can prepare you to hear those words. We had spent over the past 2 months in the hospital fighting for our boy's life. We had heard the words, "he can't get much worse" or "there is not much more we can do" but never those words. Jordan was at work that day, and if you can only imagine the fear & heartache he felt when he heard those words over the phone and was still 2 1/2 hours from the hospital where his wife, little girl, and sweet baby boy were. I don't want to know how fast he drove that day, but all I can say is he made it to us in record timing that day. We weren't told an exact timeline of when Tytan would go. They said it could be hours, days, or maybe even weeks. With Tytan's fight and determination nothing would surprise them. So for the next four days as a family of four we were given the opportunity to "live like we were dying" and in fact one of us was. Our perfect baby boy would be returning home shortly, and we decided to make the most of what we could with what we had been given. It wasn't the life we chose, but the life that chose us. Tytan at this point was very ill, so of course we weren't able to fly cross country and complete a bucket list for him. Part of me wishes so badly we could have, but I have realized most of our bucket list items are nothing more than worldly things. The most important thing in this entire world is FAMILY. So for the next 4 days, we did just that- spent every minute we could as a family. We cherished them then and we still cherish them today. We will always cherish our last moments as a "family of four".
         One of the hardest things for me to accept was Azleigh would soon be losing her best friend. People have a hard time understanding the connection and relationship they shared because Azleigh was so little, but it was something you just had to see to believe. They were buddies from Day 1 and that girl NEVER missed a day seeing her brother. Thank heavens for my wonderful mom who made it possible and brought her to the hospital each day to spend time with Tytan. She would read him a book every day, give a million kisses, and in the last days spent rocking and singing to him "I am a Child of God. Tytan couldn't asked or picked a better big sister if he tried. She truly is the best and loved him more than anyone I know. She was such a trooper through it all and just seemed to "get it". She was there within minutes of him being born and was there as he took his last breath here on earth. Here are some of the special moments our sweet babies were able to share in Tytan's last days.

   Tytan had been so sick and hooked to so many machines and wires that he was pretty much on lock down in his room. It was a chore even to untangle everything to hold him in the chair next to his bed. The day before Tytan passed we got permission to take Azleigh & Tytan on a ride in the wagon. We went around the CICU halls multiple times, and Tytan even got to feel the sunshine on his face for the first time in over 2 months. He just looked around and loved every minute of it. This is a memory engraved in my mind forever, and I'm so grateful we were able to do this.

     We also had 2 family photo shoots thanks to very generous people at the hospital and also friends. I was able to get some of my babies together, us as a fam of 4, and Tytan in his blessing outfit. These pictures are some that are far from perfect. We're not dressed up for either of them, but in my eyes are beautiful and will forever be in our home. Tytan's last photoshoot :]

The nurses at PCH are amazing!! 90% of them go above and beyond to make things a little better. Everyone up there knew I slept with Tytan when he was home. This is something I had missed terribly since he got so sick. For Tytan's last 2 nights on earth, I was able to make a bed next to him and hold him all night long. Tytan and I loved it! He slept so good and was so content. You could just tell he felt safe in the arms of his mommy. I am so grateful that the nurses cared about both of us enough and knew we both needed those nights together!!

Lastly, we knew Tytan would never live to see his 1st birthday, and the thoughts of him never having a party seriously killed me. Jord and I decided we would throw him a half birthday party on Sunday, October 20th when he turned 6 months old. We decorated his room, invited all our family, and my sister in law even made him a cake. We sang to him and celebrate his sweet little life. Little did we know Tytan would enter into Heaven within hours of his celebration. I am so grateful we were able to do this and all of our family was able to be there to love on him one last time. If Tytan knew anything- he knew he was loved, SO LOVED!!

     Part of me feels fortunate that I never EVER took advantage of Tytan or the time I had him here for granted. I guess that is one of the positives that come from the heart world- you learn just how fragile life is.  From the time he was born, I didn't know how long I would have him. To be honest, I truly felt like he would be around for a long time, but now looking back I must have known more than I thought I did because of the things I did. I spent every second of every day with him from the time he was about 3 hours old. I never left the hospital, not even at nights, and at home I held him all day and night. I would let my mom or Jord hold him long enough to shower, but that was usually it. I spent many days sitting in the chair in my lounge clothes doing absolutely nothing but snuggling, getting grins, and taking pictures. I am so grateful for the 5000+ pictures I have of him in his short life. I look through them every day. They break my heart and make me feel whole all at the same time. I am grateful I have a husband who sacrificed his time and worked out of town all week at the time, so I could stay home with our babies and never have to leave them. As much as he hated to leave Sunday nights, he never complained or made me feel bad. I cherish the 6 months Tytan was in my arms and our home. He touched our hearts in an very sacred way and changed our lives forever!
        As humans, we often take things for granted. Each of us are so blessed and have so much that we forget to be thankful for the simple things. We often forget that things that seem simple to us may be something someone else is praying for. Never take ANYTHING big or small for granted. If I have learned anything at all, I know that "Tomorrow is NEVER promised, so make the best of Today!" I challenge each of you to step back and reevaluate your life. Are you priorities in order? Are you "Living Like You Are Dying?" We may all have regrets or things we wished we would have done differently whether you live a near perfect or not so perfect life, but I can promise you will never regret putting your family first and cherishing each moment with them. There will never be enough time or money to do everything you need to do, but make sure to make the time for your family. If you are working out of town- start looking for ways to be home at night with your family. If you are both working just so you have "extra" money to play, buy worldly things, etc. consider figuring a way to make it work on one income or even go part time. If you spend your weekends with friends and send the kids to grandpa & grandma's house try staying home as a family for a weekend.
I am sure if we were all told exactly how long we would have here on earth, or how long we would have our children and spouses we would probably do things so much differently. The worldly things, going out with friends, 2 hours a day at the gym, new play toys, and "alone time" wouldn't matter as much. Yes I know those things are fun and still important to us, but make your family the most important. If each of us had an expiration date, we would probably do things differently. Don't wait until it's too late. Start now. Be a better mother or father. Be a better spouse. Be a better friend. Be a better YOU!! If you want to change or aren't on the path you know you should be-- don't wait. Stop thinking you can always change tomorrow, next month, or even next year. The time to change is NOW! If there is there something you want to tell someone- do it now. Make sure those who mean the most to you know how much you love them. Live each day as it is your last and always remember Tomorrow Is Never Promised!

Everyday Struggles

Some days are okay, some days are bad, and other days are real bad. Today has been one of those days. Azleigh is struggling and really missing her baby brother. She prays every day "he will come back to us." This morning when she woke up I asked her the usual, "What do you want to do today? To my surprise she caught me off guard and replied, "Can we please just go see the real Baby Tytan? I miss my baby brother that smiles at me." At that moment I felt a knife stab me in the heart. Why does a 2 year old little girl have to know this kind of pain. She misses her brother so much and it is becoming even more apparent as she gets older. It's hard to explain to a little one that we can't just visit Heaven for a day. Since we couldn't go see the "Real Tytan" we settled for watching videos and looking through pictures of our boy. It breaks my heart to see Azleigh cry for her brother. It didn't hit me until today just how much life has changed, not only for me, but for all of us. Even our sweet little lady's world has been rocked.
For 11 months  now, we have struggled in some way every single day. There are triggers in life coming up constantly, some hitting harder than others. I knew October 20th, 2013 our lives were forever changed, but I'll be honest I don't think I realized to what extent. I was in denial and hoped we could just wake up from this horrible horrible nightmare we were living.
11 months, 15 days, and 4 hours, and 7 minutes have passed since that day we said farewell to our little guy. For over 10 months now, we have been forced to live a life we didn't choose and tortured with triggers that used to bring so much joy and now can bring so much pain. People can't understand the hurt, the loneliness, and the emptiness that comes with losing a child unless you have lost one personally. You wake up missing a piece of your heart and go to bed missing that same piece. It NEVER goes away. Some days it hurts worse than others, but the hurt is always there. Death changes EVERYTHING, especially the unexpected loss of a young child. It's not something you'll ever be prepared for and turns your world upside down emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially. It changes everyone involved whether its your 2 year old daughter or your 60 year old father.
Honestly about every hour of every day something "triggers" me of my Tytan. Some of them are happy triggers, and others are torture and just a reminder that my baby boy isn't here.
Some of the things I used to LOVE so much now seem to be painful.
Pictures are hard, but especially family pictures- Anyone that knows me knows I LOVE pictures. I take a million a day, especially of my kiddos. In the six months of Tytan's life I was able to take over 5000 pictures. Even though I cherish every single one of them, I still wish I had more. The past 11 months I have really struggled to take a family picture. I want to have the pictures for the memories, but they just don't look right- like someone is missing. A very special someone- a handsome little man that completely stole our hearts and changed our world. It's hard knowing how matter how big our family grows there will never be a complete picture. I hate knowing Tytan's picture on the walls will never change past 6 months. I don't get to compare pictures each year when I update and see how much he's changed. There will never be a baptism, graduation, mission, or wedding picture of Tytan's on our wall. Those milestones are ones we will miss out on in this life, and it kills me not being able to experience each and everyone of those things with him right now.
Shopping- This used to be one of my absolute favorite things to do, if not the most favorite. I seriously LOVED to shop, but even more than that I have an obsession with baby clothes and buying them for my kids. Both of my kids could clothe a colony in Africa they have so many. I love them!! Before Tytan was born & we found out about his heart I'll be honest there was a point I was too scared to buy him things because we honestly didn't know if he'd ever come home after being born. Once we had him & he did so well, I went crazy! I bought him clothes out the wahzoo all the way from preemie to 2T. I have the cutest little outfits still with tags hanging in our closet torturing me because I will never see him in them. The torture is not only at home, but EVERY single clothing store I walk into. As many of you know, we are expecting another little girl next month so I have been trying to find matching clothes for the 2 girls. It breaks my heart to walk past the boy aisle and see something in the same color because in my heart I know there should be one more. I should have a handsome blue eyed, blonde fohawked little boy to match his sisters.
Seeing other little boys his age & the things they are doing reminds me my little boy should be doing the same thing. Of course, I will never wish this upon any parent to lose their child, but I'll be honest I am a bit envious of those who get to watch their babies grow up. It stings just a little knowing what life COULD of been and now what life is.

I could go on and on of all the things that make those hard days just a little harder. We all have things in life that make things hard. For me it is the loss of our baby boy, but there are so many other trials in life that cause us to experience everyday struggles- whether it be abuse, a divorce, our own self esteem, finances, death, a medical illness. etc. Some of these things are bigger than others, but one thing I have realized through this experience is we are all different and the Lord knows that. The Lord gives us trials according to what we can handle. Of course these trials are going to test us and we may think often "I can't handle this", but with the help of the Lord and the people he has put around us we can get through the hardest of times. Be kind to those around you. Recognize the struggles that we all have in life, and do your best to love one another, especially through those struggles.