"Live Like You Were Dying"

        Many years ago, Tim Mcgraw came out with a song called, "Live Like You Were Dying". In this song, he talks about a man who was told his time here on earth was short. It talks about the things the man went to do before he passed. This is a song that a has gained a greater meaning in our life over the past year and has become a motto that is constantly in my mind.
         No I wasn't told by a team of doctors that my time on earth was about to come to an end, but one year ago today I WAS told by a team of doctors that "there was nothing more they could do for my almost 6 month baby boy" and he would soon be leaving our arms and this earth. There is nothing in the world that can prepare you to hear those words. We had spent over the past 2 months in the hospital fighting for our boy's life. We had heard the words, "he can't get much worse" or "there is not much more we can do" but never those words. Jordan was at work that day, and if you can only imagine the fear & heartache he felt when he heard those words over the phone and was still 2 1/2 hours from the hospital where his wife, little girl, and sweet baby boy were. I don't want to know how fast he drove that day, but all I can say is he made it to us in record timing that day. We weren't told an exact timeline of when Tytan would go. They said it could be hours, days, or maybe even weeks. With Tytan's fight and determination nothing would surprise them. So for the next four days as a family of four we were given the opportunity to "live like we were dying" and in fact one of us was. Our perfect baby boy would be returning home shortly, and we decided to make the most of what we could with what we had been given. It wasn't the life we chose, but the life that chose us. Tytan at this point was very ill, so of course we weren't able to fly cross country and complete a bucket list for him. Part of me wishes so badly we could have, but I have realized most of our bucket list items are nothing more than worldly things. The most important thing in this entire world is FAMILY. So for the next 4 days, we did just that- spent every minute we could as a family. We cherished them then and we still cherish them today. We will always cherish our last moments as a "family of four".
         One of the hardest things for me to accept was Azleigh would soon be losing her best friend. People have a hard time understanding the connection and relationship they shared because Azleigh was so little, but it was something you just had to see to believe. They were buddies from Day 1 and that girl NEVER missed a day seeing her brother. Thank heavens for my wonderful mom who made it possible and brought her to the hospital each day to spend time with Tytan. She would read him a book every day, give a million kisses, and in the last days spent rocking and singing to him "I am a Child of God. Tytan couldn't asked or picked a better big sister if he tried. She truly is the best and loved him more than anyone I know. She was such a trooper through it all and just seemed to "get it". She was there within minutes of him being born and was there as he took his last breath here on earth. Here are some of the special moments our sweet babies were able to share in Tytan's last days.

   Tytan had been so sick and hooked to so many machines and wires that he was pretty much on lock down in his room. It was a chore even to untangle everything to hold him in the chair next to his bed. The day before Tytan passed we got permission to take Azleigh & Tytan on a ride in the wagon. We went around the CICU halls multiple times, and Tytan even got to feel the sunshine on his face for the first time in over 2 months. He just looked around and loved every minute of it. This is a memory engraved in my mind forever, and I'm so grateful we were able to do this.

     We also had 2 family photo shoots thanks to very generous people at the hospital and also friends. I was able to get some of my babies together, us as a fam of 4, and Tytan in his blessing outfit. These pictures are some that are far from perfect. We're not dressed up for either of them, but in my eyes are beautiful and will forever be in our home. Tytan's last photoshoot :]

The nurses at PCH are amazing!! 90% of them go above and beyond to make things a little better. Everyone up there knew I slept with Tytan when he was home. This is something I had missed terribly since he got so sick. For Tytan's last 2 nights on earth, I was able to make a bed next to him and hold him all night long. Tytan and I loved it! He slept so good and was so content. You could just tell he felt safe in the arms of his mommy. I am so grateful that the nurses cared about both of us enough and knew we both needed those nights together!!

Lastly, we knew Tytan would never live to see his 1st birthday, and the thoughts of him never having a party seriously killed me. Jord and I decided we would throw him a half birthday party on Sunday, October 20th when he turned 6 months old. We decorated his room, invited all our family, and my sister in law even made him a cake. We sang to him and celebrate his sweet little life. Little did we know Tytan would enter into Heaven within hours of his celebration. I am so grateful we were able to do this and all of our family was able to be there to love on him one last time. If Tytan knew anything- he knew he was loved, SO LOVED!!

     Part of me feels fortunate that I never EVER took advantage of Tytan or the time I had him here for granted. I guess that is one of the positives that come from the heart world- you learn just how fragile life is.  From the time he was born, I didn't know how long I would have him. To be honest, I truly felt like he would be around for a long time, but now looking back I must have known more than I thought I did because of the things I did. I spent every second of every day with him from the time he was about 3 hours old. I never left the hospital, not even at nights, and at home I held him all day and night. I would let my mom or Jord hold him long enough to shower, but that was usually it. I spent many days sitting in the chair in my lounge clothes doing absolutely nothing but snuggling, getting grins, and taking pictures. I am so grateful for the 5000+ pictures I have of him in his short life. I look through them every day. They break my heart and make me feel whole all at the same time. I am grateful I have a husband who sacrificed his time and worked out of town all week at the time, so I could stay home with our babies and never have to leave them. As much as he hated to leave Sunday nights, he never complained or made me feel bad. I cherish the 6 months Tytan was in my arms and our home. He touched our hearts in an very sacred way and changed our lives forever!
        As humans, we often take things for granted. Each of us are so blessed and have so much that we forget to be thankful for the simple things. We often forget that things that seem simple to us may be something someone else is praying for. Never take ANYTHING big or small for granted. If I have learned anything at all, I know that "Tomorrow is NEVER promised, so make the best of Today!" I challenge each of you to step back and reevaluate your life. Are you priorities in order? Are you "Living Like You Are Dying?" We may all have regrets or things we wished we would have done differently whether you live a near perfect or not so perfect life, but I can promise you will never regret putting your family first and cherishing each moment with them. There will never be enough time or money to do everything you need to do, but make sure to make the time for your family. If you are working out of town- start looking for ways to be home at night with your family. If you are both working just so you have "extra" money to play, buy worldly things, etc. consider figuring a way to make it work on one income or even go part time. If you spend your weekends with friends and send the kids to grandpa & grandma's house try staying home as a family for a weekend.
I am sure if we were all told exactly how long we would have here on earth, or how long we would have our children and spouses we would probably do things so much differently. The worldly things, going out with friends, 2 hours a day at the gym, new play toys, and "alone time" wouldn't matter as much. Yes I know those things are fun and still important to us, but make your family the most important. If each of us had an expiration date, we would probably do things differently. Don't wait until it's too late. Start now. Be a better mother or father. Be a better spouse. Be a better friend. Be a better YOU!! If you want to change or aren't on the path you know you should be-- don't wait. Stop thinking you can always change tomorrow, next month, or even next year. The time to change is NOW! If there is there something you want to tell someone- do it now. Make sure those who mean the most to you know how much you love them. Live each day as it is your last and always remember Tomorrow Is Never Promised!