Everyday Struggles

Some days are okay, some days are bad, and other days are real bad. Today has been one of those days. Azleigh is struggling and really missing her baby brother. She prays every day "he will come back to us." This morning when she woke up I asked her the usual, "What do you want to do today? To my surprise she caught me off guard and replied, "Can we please just go see the real Baby Tytan? I miss my baby brother that smiles at me." At that moment I felt a knife stab me in the heart. Why does a 2 year old little girl have to know this kind of pain. She misses her brother so much and it is becoming even more apparent as she gets older. It's hard to explain to a little one that we can't just visit Heaven for a day. Since we couldn't go see the "Real Tytan" we settled for watching videos and looking through pictures of our boy. It breaks my heart to see Azleigh cry for her brother. It didn't hit me until today just how much life has changed, not only for me, but for all of us. Even our sweet little lady's world has been rocked.
For 11 months  now, we have struggled in some way every single day. There are triggers in life coming up constantly, some hitting harder than others. I knew October 20th, 2013 our lives were forever changed, but I'll be honest I don't think I realized to what extent. I was in denial and hoped we could just wake up from this horrible horrible nightmare we were living.
11 months, 15 days, and 4 hours, and 7 minutes have passed since that day we said farewell to our little guy. For over 10 months now, we have been forced to live a life we didn't choose and tortured with triggers that used to bring so much joy and now can bring so much pain. People can't understand the hurt, the loneliness, and the emptiness that comes with losing a child unless you have lost one personally. You wake up missing a piece of your heart and go to bed missing that same piece. It NEVER goes away. Some days it hurts worse than others, but the hurt is always there. Death changes EVERYTHING, especially the unexpected loss of a young child. It's not something you'll ever be prepared for and turns your world upside down emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially. It changes everyone involved whether its your 2 year old daughter or your 60 year old father.
Honestly about every hour of every day something "triggers" me of my Tytan. Some of them are happy triggers, and others are torture and just a reminder that my baby boy isn't here.
Some of the things I used to LOVE so much now seem to be painful.
Pictures are hard, but especially family pictures- Anyone that knows me knows I LOVE pictures. I take a million a day, especially of my kiddos. In the six months of Tytan's life I was able to take over 5000 pictures. Even though I cherish every single one of them, I still wish I had more. The past 11 months I have really struggled to take a family picture. I want to have the pictures for the memories, but they just don't look right- like someone is missing. A very special someone- a handsome little man that completely stole our hearts and changed our world. It's hard knowing how matter how big our family grows there will never be a complete picture. I hate knowing Tytan's picture on the walls will never change past 6 months. I don't get to compare pictures each year when I update and see how much he's changed. There will never be a baptism, graduation, mission, or wedding picture of Tytan's on our wall. Those milestones are ones we will miss out on in this life, and it kills me not being able to experience each and everyone of those things with him right now.
Shopping- This used to be one of my absolute favorite things to do, if not the most favorite. I seriously LOVED to shop, but even more than that I have an obsession with baby clothes and buying them for my kids. Both of my kids could clothe a colony in Africa they have so many. I love them!! Before Tytan was born & we found out about his heart I'll be honest there was a point I was too scared to buy him things because we honestly didn't know if he'd ever come home after being born. Once we had him & he did so well, I went crazy! I bought him clothes out the wahzoo all the way from preemie to 2T. I have the cutest little outfits still with tags hanging in our closet torturing me because I will never see him in them. The torture is not only at home, but EVERY single clothing store I walk into. As many of you know, we are expecting another little girl next month so I have been trying to find matching clothes for the 2 girls. It breaks my heart to walk past the boy aisle and see something in the same color because in my heart I know there should be one more. I should have a handsome blue eyed, blonde fohawked little boy to match his sisters.
Seeing other little boys his age & the things they are doing reminds me my little boy should be doing the same thing. Of course, I will never wish this upon any parent to lose their child, but I'll be honest I am a bit envious of those who get to watch their babies grow up. It stings just a little knowing what life COULD of been and now what life is.

I could go on and on of all the things that make those hard days just a little harder. We all have things in life that make things hard. For me it is the loss of our baby boy, but there are so many other trials in life that cause us to experience everyday struggles- whether it be abuse, a divorce, our own self esteem, finances, death, a medical illness. etc. Some of these things are bigger than others, but one thing I have realized through this experience is we are all different and the Lord knows that. The Lord gives us trials according to what we can handle. Of course these trials are going to test us and we may think often "I can't handle this", but with the help of the Lord and the people he has put around us we can get through the hardest of times. Be kind to those around you. Recognize the struggles that we all have in life, and do your best to love one another, especially through those struggles.