Team Tytan 5K

In the 6 short months Tytan was here, he changed countless lives. People all over the world were inspired and touched by his life, his story, & his spirit. After his passed away, I didn't want that to change. I wanted Tytan Walker to continue to touch lives. I wanted legacy to live on. It was up to us to make that happen. The past year we have tried to surround ourselves in service in memory and honor of Tytan. Not only has it done that, but it has helped us. It has helped us with our grief and it has gave us the satisfaction that something good has came from something extremely terrible. For his 1st birthday, we chose to put together survival kits for Primary Children's Hospital. The love & support we received from the community, strangers, and loved ones were phenomial. Tytan's peditrician office donated $500 to put towards the kits. We were able to put together almost 150 kits for parents in the ICU. I was amazed and completely humbled by all the giving people.

I once again wanted to do something again for Tytan's Angel Day to remember him but pay-it-forward in some way. The following year when we were in the hospital with Tytan, the community put together a 5K to raise money for us to help with medical expenses. I wanted to do another 5K this year and donate the funds to Primary Children's Hospital or a family with a child who was battling an illness. For an entire year it was on my mind, but I was scared. I was scared it'd be a failure and no one would come, so I kept putting it off. About 2 weeks before Tytan's Angel Day I decided to go for it. I didn't know what kind of outcome we would have, but I decided I would try. If we had anyone come I would donate what we got to Primary's. I simply made a flyer and posted it on Facebook- that was it. By the end of the night, I had 30 people signed up. By the day of the race, we had almost 200 people who had registered or bought a shirt. I cannot begin to tell you what things like this do to my heart. There is nothing more rewarding or heart warming than seeing others come together to serve others.

Tytan's 1st Angel day was a hard one, a real hard but I can't express the way it made a grieving mother feel to know their sweet little boy was loved and cared about by so many. It turned out to be an absolutely wonderful evening, and even though our sweet baby was not there physically, his strong spirit was very apparent. Thank you to all those to helped, participated, and was a part of a very bittersweet day in our lives. We love you all and are so grateful for your continual love & support!

"The Rainbow After the Storm"

In November 2014, we welcomed our sweet little rainbow baby girl and we honestly couldn't be more in love with her! She has truly been our little piece of Heaven in our home and reminds us a lot of our little angel boy Tytan. It was amazing the spirit she brought when she entered the world- you could tell big brother had definitely prepared her and was in her presence.

Our sweet little girl has in no way replaced our little man Tytan, but she has helped all 3 of our hearts in ways we never imagined. We still have a large piece of our hearts missing and a hole that will NEVER be filled until we are reunited again, but this little lady has reminded us that we can still experience joy and happiness. She has shown us that even though our hearts are broken we are still capable of loving more than we ever thought was possible. Big sister is in Heaven with a new little sibling to love on, but she still never forgets her Tytie. He is still included in every prayer, every family conversation, and he plays with the girls often according to her. Daddy is loving all the baby snuggles he gets from our little sweetie. As for me, this little one truly my rainbow. She has something about her that just melts my heart. We are so over the moon for these babies and incredibly grateful the Lord has blessed us with our little sunshine Az, our angel boy Tytan, and our sweet rainbow baby Demreigh! :)

The Dreaded Year Mark

For 365 days, I dreaded hitting our 1st Angel Anniversary. The thoughts of it made me want to crawl up in a hole and never come up. I couldn't possibly imagine having to go a whole year without my baby, and even more so the thoughts of telling people "our little boy passed away a year ago". I know it sounds silly or strange, but I hate the time passing. For me, it has only gotten harder rather than easier because I feel like each day is one more day without him. One more day without his smile. One more day without blue in our home. One more day with that hole in our heart.
For the past year up until today, I have been able to say "I just wish I could go back to where we were a year ago" or "A year ago from today our little man was doing this". Now a year has passed and I can't say those things any longer. We have officially went an ENTIRE year celebrating, well more like surviving, of holidays. I should be taking Tytan to his 18th month check-up and instead I am just trying to get through the anniversary day of his passing. I really hate the fact he died on the same day of the month as his birthday because I feel like every month we celebrate him being one month older, yet mourn for the fact it's one more day without him.
This past year has been hard, the hardest most painful year of my life. This past year multiple times I have questioned myself, my marriage, & even my faith. I have cried more tears than I ever thought was possible. I have spent more time looking at pictures and reminiscing on memories than I did making new ones. I have asked question after question trying to understand why and still haven't found the answer I want. Along with all those not so good things I have experienced a lot of good. I have learned lessons, witnessed miracles, and seen just how much our Heavenly Father loves us.
Believe it or not, on October 20th, 2013 after our little man left earth and entered back into the Kingdom of God I remember feeling a sense of peace. I was devastated and my heart broke into a million pieces, but for the first time in 6 months my baby was no longer suffering. He was free. That sense of peace got me through about the first week after Tytan's passing. I still remember waking up the following Monday morning and reality hitting me like a ton of bricks. Jordan had went back to Vernal, the funeral was over, visitors no longer stopped by, and I was left ALONE. It finally hit me my baby was gone. The little boy I have eat, slept, and breathed for the past 6 months was no longer in my arms. Every day from that day forward it has tugged at my heart just a little harder that he is gone. I miss everything about him- I miss the heart world. I miss the doctors & nurses who became family to us. I miss the life that I was so scared to live. I wish so badly our story would have ended differently. I wish so badly our Tytan was the "miracle" who lived to be 100 years old with "half a heart", but unfortunately that wasn't the Lord's plan. Sometimes accepting the plan is the hardest part of it all. Many time I have asked "Why?" Why Tytan? Why only 6 months?  Why didn't he heal my son when he has the power and heals people every single day? Accepting the Lord's plan and coming to term with what happened has been something I have to work on every single day. It all comes down to one word- FAITH. I have to have it. I have to believe. I have to trust. One day when all is said and done I will KNOW all the answers to the questions I asked above, but until then I must be patient and have FAITH!
This past year we have been blessed beyond measure I must say. We have had so many wonderful people carry us through. It has been the ones who I never imagined be there, and the ones I had hoped would be there walk away. I can't begin to thank you all enough for the prayers in our behalf this ENTIRE year. We have felt them- every single one of them. Thank you for the gifts in memory of our baby boy- the ornaments, the pictures, the plaques. Thank you to those who have visited his "special spot" leaving notes, balloons, toys, etc. Nothing makes a grieving mom feel better than knowing her baby boy hasn't been forgotten. Thank you for allowing me to share our journey through words & pictures. Thank you for all your sweet comments. It is because of all you that we somehow survived an entire 365 days and as hard & excruciating as it sounds we will find a way to get through another 365 days without our boy our heart. The days are going to pass, the seasons will change, we will age, and life will go, but our Tytan will NEVER be forgotten. He will always be in our hearts & in our lives. He is the reason we are now who we are- he is the reason we now strive for what we do- he is our hope - he is inspiration - he has paved the way for our family. I look so forward to the day I we are all reunited. Until then.... We will continue to get by one day at a time.