The Dreaded Year Mark

For 365 days, I dreaded hitting our 1st Angel Anniversary. The thoughts of it made me want to crawl up in a hole and never come up. I couldn't possibly imagine having to go a whole year without my baby, and even more so the thoughts of telling people "our little boy passed away a year ago". I know it sounds silly or strange, but I hate the time passing. For me, it has only gotten harder rather than easier because I feel like each day is one more day without him. One more day without his smile. One more day without blue in our home. One more day with that hole in our heart.
For the past year up until today, I have been able to say "I just wish I could go back to where we were a year ago" or "A year ago from today our little man was doing this". Now a year has passed and I can't say those things any longer. We have officially went an ENTIRE year celebrating, well more like surviving, of holidays. I should be taking Tytan to his 18th month check-up and instead I am just trying to get through the anniversary day of his passing. I really hate the fact he died on the same day of the month as his birthday because I feel like every month we celebrate him being one month older, yet mourn for the fact it's one more day without him.
This past year has been hard, the hardest most painful year of my life. This past year multiple times I have questioned myself, my marriage, & even my faith. I have cried more tears than I ever thought was possible. I have spent more time looking at pictures and reminiscing on memories than I did making new ones. I have asked question after question trying to understand why and still haven't found the answer I want. Along with all those not so good things I have experienced a lot of good. I have learned lessons, witnessed miracles, and seen just how much our Heavenly Father loves us.
Believe it or not, on October 20th, 2013 after our little man left earth and entered back into the Kingdom of God I remember feeling a sense of peace. I was devastated and my heart broke into a million pieces, but for the first time in 6 months my baby was no longer suffering. He was free. That sense of peace got me through about the first week after Tytan's passing. I still remember waking up the following Monday morning and reality hitting me like a ton of bricks. Jordan had went back to Vernal, the funeral was over, visitors no longer stopped by, and I was left ALONE. It finally hit me my baby was gone. The little boy I have eat, slept, and breathed for the past 6 months was no longer in my arms. Every day from that day forward it has tugged at my heart just a little harder that he is gone. I miss everything about him- I miss the heart world. I miss the doctors & nurses who became family to us. I miss the life that I was so scared to live. I wish so badly our story would have ended differently. I wish so badly our Tytan was the "miracle" who lived to be 100 years old with "half a heart", but unfortunately that wasn't the Lord's plan. Sometimes accepting the plan is the hardest part of it all. Many time I have asked "Why?" Why Tytan? Why only 6 months?  Why didn't he heal my son when he has the power and heals people every single day? Accepting the Lord's plan and coming to term with what happened has been something I have to work on every single day. It all comes down to one word- FAITH. I have to have it. I have to believe. I have to trust. One day when all is said and done I will KNOW all the answers to the questions I asked above, but until then I must be patient and have FAITH!
This past year we have been blessed beyond measure I must say. We have had so many wonderful people carry us through. It has been the ones who I never imagined be there, and the ones I had hoped would be there walk away. I can't begin to thank you all enough for the prayers in our behalf this ENTIRE year. We have felt them- every single one of them. Thank you for the gifts in memory of our baby boy- the ornaments, the pictures, the plaques. Thank you to those who have visited his "special spot" leaving notes, balloons, toys, etc. Nothing makes a grieving mom feel better than knowing her baby boy hasn't been forgotten. Thank you for allowing me to share our journey through words & pictures. Thank you for all your sweet comments. It is because of all you that we somehow survived an entire 365 days and as hard & excruciating as it sounds we will find a way to get through another 365 days without our boy our heart. The days are going to pass, the seasons will change, we will age, and life will go, but our Tytan will NEVER be forgotten. He will always be in our hearts & in our lives. He is the reason we are now who we are- he is the reason we now strive for what we do- he is our hope - he is inspiration - he has paved the way for our family. I look so forward to the day I we are all reunited. Until then.... We will continue to get by one day at a time.