The Funeral

       The viewing and funeral and the week leading up the funeral was an out of body experience for me. I truly felt like I was a fly on a wall watching this bad dream for our family. It didn't seem real, and I felt like I was watching a sad, sad movie. This movie was different. It was my family as the movie cast, not just some strangers. And this movie wasn't just a story being acted out. It was real. This was now our reality. And in just a few short hours we would be telling our precious baby boy goodbye for the last time here on earth. I was amazed by the love and support we received from so many friends and family. We had friends from all over attend Tytan's services, and I can't begin to tell you what it meant to have them there. Of course, it didn't take the pain away, not even a little, but it felt good to know they cared. It felt good to know we mattered in their lives. 

      I remember during the viewings, I couldn't keep my eyes and hands off my baby boy. I just wanted to pick him up and run. He couldn't really be gone. He was too young. He was too perfect. Saturday morning, I was hoping time would just stand still. The second viewing started at 9:30 AM, and it was a constant line for the hour & a half we were there. I remember I kept watching the clock praying it would just go slower, so I didn't have to EVER wrapped up my precious boy and close the casket with his tiny body here on earth. The funeral director cut off the line and told us we needed to prepare to say our goodbyes, so we could start the funeral on time. Our family went first. My parents and brothers are very close to my kids, so it broke my heart to see their hearts breaking as they kissed their grandson/nephew. Then came the moment I dreaded for days. I laid my head on his small little chest and sobbed. I wanted so badly to hear a beating heart, but I couldn't and knew it wouldn't. I remember kissing his soft sweet lips and peace came over me. I vividly heard a voice in head. To be honest it was a voice I didn't recognize, but by what was said I knew it was my Tytie boy. I heard, "Don't cry mommy. I'm okay now. I promise you will see me soon" At that moment I was once again reassured and testified to that I would see my little boy again. He's not gone forever. Soon-- I'm not sure if that means months, 5 years, or 80 + years until I see him, but I know in the eternal realm of things no matter how long it is, or how long it seems, it will be soon. I look forward to that day every moment of every day. I dream of that day. O what a glorious day it will be.

     No funeral is ever good or easy, but I must say Tytan's turned out perfect. It was just what I wanted it to be. Our little Az and nieces and nephews sang so cute. The speakers did an incredible job. My humble husband was so sweet reading his only son's life sketch and carrying his sweet little casket to his resting spot. I know Tytan was there. I know Tytan approved and was proud. Tytan was happy with the way he valiant, short, and nothing but perfect little life was celebrated. 

Here is a link to a video of Tytan's Special Services - Tytan's Life Celebration

Miracles

“A miracle is an extraordinary event caused by the power of God. Miracles are an important element in the work of Jesus Christ. They include healings, restoring the dead to life, and resurrection. Miracles are a part of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Faith is necessary in order for miracles to be manifested” 

There are countless stories we hear every single day about miracles taking place from back in scripture times to current day in our own lives. From the time we are old enough to talk we are taught about the "miracles" in the scriptures - healing the sick, parting the red sea, feeding thousands with 2 loaves of bread & few fish, and saving Daniel from the lion's den. You could go on and on about the many miraculous miracles that God has preformed throughout the years.

Over the past couple months, I have found myself questioning and asking Heavenly Father, "Where was our miracle?" "Are we not important enough in God's eye that we didn't deserve a miracle?" "Were we not faithful or prayerful enough for a miracle to happen?"
Of course neither of those are true. I know Heavenly Father loves each of us all the same, and none is more important than the other. We were more than faithful during our trial, and I know the Lord recognized our efforts. We were in constant prayer since the day we found out about Tytan's heart condition. For the 2 1/2 months we spent fighting in the hospital, we were fasting at least every other day. We did everything we could. Tytan had a priesthood blessing daily. We had the faith, and we just KNEW he would be healed. We had multiple family fast, a community wide fast, and people from all over the world were praying and pleading for our little guys life to be saved, but why wasn't it?

This past month in our own little community we have witnessed a miraculous miracle. A sweet little girl had a drowning accident and went 30+ minutes without oxygen, and she has had an incredible recovery thus far. I don't know the full details, but she doesn't have near the damage they thought she would, and she is expected to make a full recovery. How awesome is that? I love hearing about these types of miracles, but I would be a liar if I didn't admit it pulls at my heart string, and I once again wonder "why not us?"

After many many nights on my knees, praying, and reading the Book of Mormon I had come to an understanding of why not us. It comes down to "It wasn't part of the plan" That itself is a miracle in my eye that the Lord loves and cares about each one of us so much that he has carefully sought out a plan for each and every one of us. No two plans are the same or I personally believe no two plans are fair. Before we came to the Earth in the Pre-existence I think each one of us helped design our plan. That may seem crazy talk to some, and you might be thinking "I definitely didn't agree to this". But I truly believe each one of us had agency and made choices before we were born just like we do now. Tytan made the choice to be the one in our family to pave the way. He knew it wasn't going to be easy, but he agreed to come down here for a short time and return home. Jordan and I agreed to be the parents of an absolute PERFECT child and knew we would have to pay the price of letting him return home early. Azleigh made the choice to come here and be the strong spirit she is to keep her parents going and be a light to us on the darkest of days. Do we remember any of this? Absolutely not. That is what the veil is for. But there is one guy who does and remembers ALL of it. He knows the big picture - the big plan. Did we know it was going to be this hard? To be honest, I don't think we did, but that is where faith comes in. We must have the faith in "the plan" to be strong enough to keep going, to not allow ourselves to get angry & hate God. God doesn't not perform miracles or give us trials to punish us. If we use these trials in the right way, they strengthen us. They strengthen others. They teach us. They prepare us for the things to take place in the future and the here-after. We can choose to let our life experiences make us bitter or better.

The more I pondered about the "miracles" in our life, especially in the past year I realized yes "Tytan wasn't raised from the dead" or "Yes Tytan's brain wasn't miraculously healed from all the lack of oxygen", and "No Tytan didn't received a new heart to keep him alive" but GUESS WHAT? We witnessed more miracles in Tytan's 6 months of life than some do in an entire lifetime. The first miracle was that Tytan lived as long as he did, thanks to God's Miracles workers who truly do perform miracles at Primary Children's hospital. It was a miracle that we as a family ever got to bring Tytan home from the hospital. It was a miracle that Tytan was able to spend 2 months at home completely TUBE FREE! It was a miracle I got to see Tytan smile and giggle. We witnessed a miracle when all odds were against us and Tytan came off both ECMO and the ventilator. It was a miracle Tytan's little body declared itself, and we as parents didn't have to make the choice to "pull the plug". It's a miracle Jordan worked for Vernal City who never let him miss a day of pay whether he was there or not, and a community that didn't even know us but did more for us "strangers" than I could dream. It's a miracle we had the support system we did and still have that have blessed our lives in more ways can we can count. It's a miracle that a boy with such a small little body could change so many lives in such a short amount of time. We received many miracles after all didn't we?

I think sometimes as humans we take the everyday miracles for granted. We forget just how fortunate each of are in the hardest of times. We forget that just because God didn't raise our loved one from the dead that we haven't been granted miracles. EVERY SINGLE DAY IS A MIRACLE. Each of us have different struggles. Each of us live fairly different lives, but no matter how hard you think you have it there is still miracles within your life. Whether you have lost a loved one, gone through a divorce, struggled to have children, or whatever life may have thrown at you sit back and count just all the miracles you have been blessed with. It's a miracle you wake up every morning. It's a miracle you have a job and a home to live in. It's a miracle whether you have a spouse, one child, or multiple children that you have someone to love and come home to at night.
I challenge you next time you are struggling to focus on what you do have rather than what you don't. If you are fed up with your job, consider it a miracle you have one. If you are tired of whiny kids, consider them being able to cry a miracle. I have met many parents who have children on ventilators who a crying child would be music to your ears. If you are tired and exhausted of taking care of a sick child, consider it a miracle they are still here with you. Many bereaved parents would give anything to go back to the days of living in the hospital with a sick child. If you think you have it bad, always remember someone else, somewhere out there, probably have it worse than you do.

Lastly, Remember EVERYDAY IS A MIRACLE!!

His Last Suit

Have you ever had to go shopping for an outfit knowing it would be the last one they'd ever wore? If you haven't I am here to tell you it sucks and its hard, very hard. Tytan was blessed in the hospital, so he never wore his blessing outfit. The day before he passed  I had a sweet lady fulfill one of my desires, and she came and took a few pictures of Tytan in his blessing outfit. He looks so sick, but they are pictures I will forever cherish!
After he passed, I had no clue what to dress him in for his burial. I didn't want to bury him in his blessing outfit because I wanted to frame his like I did Azleigh's and have it as a keepsake. I wanted him in white though because he was now a little angel, so we braved the idea of going shopping for something white. I have to say it was the worst shopping trip of my life. I hated everything we found. We went to every LDS, White Clothing Stores from Payson to American Fork. After spending an entire day being completely unsuccessful, I end up buying 3 different little blessing outfits and going home. I was exhausted and came to conclusion I wasn't going to like anything I had to bury my baby in, so I gave up.
I requested that we got to dress our little boy, and Mike was so good to let me be involved as I could be and do whatever I could handle. We met him there on early Friday to dress Tytan and set up for the viewing. As he rolled my baby boy out, it was once again confirmed to me that Tytan was safe in Heaven, and this was only his shell. The events that take place after death of a child are hard to put down in words. It is a feeling and experiences that really can't be explained in words.
Dressing Tytan was another one of those indescribable feelings. I remember before I left home that day I grabbed the "less ugly" white outfit out of the three. Like I mentioned before I really didn't like any of them. As we put that little white outfit on our baby's body, then the suit jacket, it transformed into one of the most beautiful outfits/scene I had ever laid eyes on. He looked so perfect, so pure, and so Heavenly. He little like a little version of a veil worker in the temple. We continued to put on his white socks, shoes, and comb his hair into my favorite little blonde fohawk. I couldn't help but cry knowing I had an ABSOLUTE PERFECT son. Many of us like to think our kids our perfect, but I can truly say mine is.
A sweet lady in Provo made him the most beautiful, softest blanket and gave it to us to wrap him up in. We wrapped him up and placed him in the casket so he was ready for his special services.

Only A Shell

        I remember waking up Monday morning and truly wondering what had happened. I felt like a zombie. I wanted to do nothing more than lay in my bed, cry, and hold who I had left tight. But even that first day after reality hit & life continued to go on in some way, even though I had no desire to do any of it. I remember shortly after waking up, we received a call from the mortuary letting us know we needed an obituary submitted by 4:00 that afternoon. We had to start planning a funeral whether we wanted to or not. I remember talking to Jordan trying to make plans, and we both kept saying over & over again "funerals aren't meant for babies". Unless you've planned a funeral for a baby/child you won't understand just how hard it is.
      As we started to plan, nothing felt right. Nothing seem to fit my boy. And to be honest I hated everything about it, but really who would love something or feel right about anything that had to do with planning a funeral and burial for their sweet baby. At the same time, I wanted everything perfect because I knew it was one of the very last things I got to do for my baby boy. I knew that this service had to sum up his 6 months of life and who it was. Tytan was perfect, and that is why planning a service was so hard because I knew it had to be nothing more than PERFECT.
      The night Tytan passed in my mind I knew he was gone, but in my heart I felt like my baby boy was still there. I could feel him so close the entire 6 hours we spent with his body. It felt like it did at home when I was able to treat my baby "normal". I could rock him, bath him, and walk with him. He was this perfect sleeping baby that I just wanted to bundle up and take home.
    Mike, the mortician, called and asked us to come meet with them Tuesday, so we could pick out the casket and other funeral things. He also told us he would have Tytan's body prepared, so we could see him if we would like. Of course we wanted to see him. In my mind I was excited. I couldn't wait. It had been less than 48 hours since he passed, but my arms and heart ached to hold him. When we got to the mortuary I wasn't prepared for what was about to happen. In my mind, I thought I would feel the same way I did on the night he passed.
    I was so wrong. As he wheeled my baby out on a table that was clearly made for an adult body I couldn't help but think this isn't right. This isn't suppose to happen. Death isn't for babies. Tytan was dressed in the same Superman outfit and wrapped in his baby blue sport blanket that we handed him over in, but this time there was something different. What was it? It was no longer my baby. Yes, it was my sweet baby's body, but his spirit was gone. It was now nothing more than a perfect tabernacle that kept his spirit for the past 6 months, but now his spirit had returned home to his Heavenly Home. I was devastated by the feeling I got when I first seen him because in my mind I was thinking I was coming to see "my baby". I asked Mike if I could hold him. I was secretly hoping that holding him would change the feelings I had felt, but it didn't. In fact, it did the exact opposite. As he placed his precious body in my arms, the Holy Ghost confirmed to me it was now only his physical shell. It was a completely different feeling. He even looked different. I had never witnessed these feelings before & will never forget them either. As I held my sweet little baby boy's body I couldn't help but think how heavy his small little 10-11 lbs. swollen body felt.
     I held Tytan for about an hour before we left. As I went home, I couldn't shake those feelings I felt. I was bothered. I felt so uneasy. I knew what happened after we die. I knew what happened to infants who passed before the age of accountability. I had been LDS all my life and been taught these principles for 22 years. That night as I was on the computer making Tytan's video, I started to search & study different "plan of salvation" and "our spirits after death" talks online.
I found a talk from Wilford Woodruff that brought me so much peace and comfort. He are some pieces of it that I personally found helpful.

A great many [people] believe when a man dies that is the end of him, that there is no hereafter. Can any sensible man believe that the God of heaven has created two or three hundred thousand million spirits, and given them tabernacles [physical bodies], merely to come and live upon the earth and then to pass away into oblivion or to be annihilated? It seems to me that no reflecting man can entertain such belief. It is contrary to common sense and to serious reflection.¹⁰

When mourning the loss of our departed friends, I cannot help but think that in every death there is a birth; the spirit leaves the body dead to us, and passes to the other side of the veil alive to that great and noble company that are also working for the accomplishment of the purposes of God, in the redemption and salvation of a fallen world.¹¹

There is rejoicing when the spirit of a Saint of the Living God enters into the spirit world and meets with the Saints who have gone before.

Some labor this side of the veil, others on the other side of the veil. If we tarry here we expect to labor in the cause of salvation, and if we go hence we expect to continue our work until the coming of the Son of Man.¹³

As I read that, it may me aware of the joyous reunion that took place when Tytan's spirit entered the Heavens. I think that first night why I felt the way I did because Tytan was so close to us. He stayed with us and wrapped his arms around us all until we left that night. After that night, he went to work. He went to do the Lord's work on the other side of the veil and live his life in Heaven. Of course, Tytan spirit is still close to us and helps us often, but we have never felt our '"Tytan" the way we did that night since.

There is no infant or child that has died before arriving at the years of accountability, but what is redeemed, and is therefore entirely beyond the torments of hell. … I will defy any man to find in any of the records of divine truth any ordinance instituted for the salvation of little innocent children; it would be unnecessary on the face of it, and the only thing that can be found is where Jesus took the little ones in his arms and blessed them, which is and would be perfectly right to do according to the order of God. But the sprinkling of infants or the doctrine that infants go to hell under any circumstances, is a doctrine ordained of man and not of God, and is therefore of no avail and entirely wrong and displeasing in the sight of God. So much about the infants. … They are redeemed by the blood of Jesus Christ.²¹

Children are innocent before the Lord; as to their death and the cause thereof, that is in the hands of God, and we should not complain of the Lord or his dispensations any more than Job did. … There is this consolation connected with the matter—they are innocent, they are not in transgression. They have paid the law of death which God passed on Adam and all his posterity; but when their spirits left their bodies and got into the spirit world their trouble and affliction were over. … They will come forth out of their graves in the morning of the resurrection, … clothed with glory, immortality and eternal life, in eternal beauty and bloom, and they will be given into the hands of their parents, and they will receive them in the family organization of the celestial world, and their parents will have them for ever. They will live as long as their God lives. This, to Latter-day Saints, who believe in the resurrection, should be a source of comfort and consolation.

… The question may arise with me and with you—“Why has the Lord taken away my children?” But that is not for me to tell, because I do not know; it is in the hands of the Lord, and it has been so from the creation of the world all the way down. Children are taken away in their infancy, and they go to the spirit world. They come here and fulfil the object of their coming, that is, they tabernacle in the flesh. They come to receive a probation and an inheritance on the earth; they obtain a body, or tabernacle, and that tabernacle will be preserved for them, and in the morning of the resurrection the spirits and bodies will be reunited, and as here we find children of various ages in a family, from the infant at the mother’s breast to manhood, so will it be in the family organization in the celestial world. Our children will be restored to us as they are laid down if we, their parents, keep the faith and prove ourselves worthy to obtain eternal life; and if we do not so prove ourselves our children will still be preserved, and will inherit celestial glory. This is my view in regard to all infants who die, whether they are born to Jew or Gentile, righteous or wicked. They come from their eternal father and their eternal mother unto whom they were born in the eternal world, and they will be restored to their eternal parentage; and all parents who have received children here according to the order of God and the holy priesthood, no matter in what age they may have lived, will claim those children in the morning of the resurrection, and they will be given unto them and they will grace their family organizations in the celestial world. …

… I will say to our mourning friends, your children are taken away and you cannot help it, we cannot any of us help it; there is no censure to be given to parents when they do the best they can. A mother should not be censured because she cannot save her sick child, and we have to leave these things in the hand of God. It will be but a little time until they will be restored to us. …

With regard to the growth, glory or exaltation of children in the life to come God has not revealed anything on that subject to me, either about your children, mine or anybody else’s, any further than we know they are saved. And I feel that we have to put our trust in the Lord in these afflictions, we have to lean upon his arm and to look to him for comfort and consolation. We do not mourn under these afflictions as those who have no hope; we do not mourn the loss of our children as though we were never going to see them again, because we know better. The Lord has taught us better, and so has the gospel; the revelations of Jesus Christ have shown us that they will be restored to us in the resurrection of the just. …

One of the hardest parts of the entire process was the thoughts of burying my baby boy in the ground. It was honestly too much for me to even think about and still is. My poor husband and parents had to pick out his burial plot, but it was too much for me too handle. I just wanted to keep that sweet little body of my baby's with me forever. The thoughts of laying him in the cold ground made my skin crawl. I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am for the knowledge of the gospel. It is the only way we survive, the only way we cope, and the only way we push through another day. Can you imagine if you thought that death was the end? If 6 months, or 6 days, or 6 years was all you ever got with your loved ones? Can you imagine if you had to not only lay their bodies, but their spirits to rest as well? The thoughts of it are unbearable for me. I know without a doubt this isn't the end. Tytan didn't just live for 6 months. Yes he was only on Earth for 6 months, but he still lives. He lives on the other side of the veil and is doing a great and marvelous work there. I know Tytan's spirit was separated from his physical shell after death. This is all possible because of our Savior Jesus Christ. He made this possible for you and for me! I will forever be grateful for these sacrifices he made for me and my family. I look so forward to the day when I can personally thank him for allowing me to not only have my sweet Tytan for 6 months, but for all eternity!

Heaven Sent.....Heaven Bound

This is something I have sat down and tried to write over and over again, but my emotions get the best of me every time I do so. I usually end up an ugly mess and shut the laptop for another day. It's a day I want to remember the feelings I felt and the bittersweet experiences we had, so I am determined to finally get it down  in words. It has taken me over 6 months, piece by piece, to write about this special, yet completely life changing day.
Tytan had an awesome week. He was more alert than ever, acted more content, and things seemed to finally be moving in the right direction. What was about to come never crossed my mind and took me by complete shock. To be honest I thought we were past the point of "losing him" and we were focusing on the other obstacles that lied ahead of us in Tytan's life. It was the first night I didn't stay at the hospital and chose to go stay down the road with Azleigh, so she could have some mommy time. I called multiple times throughout the night and called 6:00 that morning. They said they had a quiet night and he was doing pretty good, so once again I chose to eat breakfast and get Azleigh dressed for the day (something I had missed so much in the last months). I got to the hospital to his bed about 9-9:30, and to my surprise the entire CICU staff was surrounding his bed. I got to my boy and he just didn't look good, so as a team and myself we talked of what it might be. One of the suggestions was one of the arrhythmia medications he was on was rough on the liver, so they lowered the dose and sent blood to the lab to check his liver function. The test came back that his liver was failing due to the med, but they still felt like something more was wrong. I think I was still a bit confused and naive to what was really going on at this point. I still had so much hope and felt like we were over the word "death". They decided to order an echo and check his heart function. Usually they let the echo tech do his job then wait for the results. Not this time. All of them stayed and watched Tytan's echo. I could tell by the look on the face that it wasn't good, and they were extremely concerned. I had tried to focus on my baby vs. the screen, but I happened to glance at the screen. I had seen multiple echos in the past 6 months, and by no means was a pro but knew the basics. I could tell that there was blood flowing in the wrong direction. Dr. Vernon, the ICU doc, pulled me aside into a room across the hall. I was all alone and I heard the words no parent ever in their life wants to hear. We have had many hard talks, but never had this words been said. The doctors had fought so hard for Tytan because of me. They knew I wasn't going to give up and they could see the hope, hurt, and desire to have my son so badly. He begin to tell me that Tytan's heart is failing and failing fast. His AV common valve is regurgitating and his body was not receiving the blood supply that it needed to keep surviving. Then came the dreaded words.... Teisha, I know you want this boy more than you want your own life. You both have fought a long hard battle. As a team we have worked so hard to get her little boy better. In fact, we have tried harder and longer than we do with most because of your drive and determination, but Teisha THERE IS NOTHING MORE WE CAN DO. You need to get your husband and whatever other family you would like because Tytan's time is short, and I honestly don't know how much longer he will make it. At that moment, my body froze and I felt my heart shatter into a million little pieces. I couldn't let go. I couldn't go on without him. He had become my whole life over the past 6 months. I got on the phone and told Jordan who immediately left Vernal and headed to the hospital. I begin to call my parents and my brothers letting them know if they would like to say goodbye they should probably come up that night. The staff moved us to a bigger room to make things as comfortable as possible for all of us. Jordan made it to the hospital faster than he ever has before. When he walked through the door the tears fell. As he kissed Tytan, all he could say is I couldn't wait to take you on your first fishing trip sweet boy. I guess its going to be a lot longer than I thought before I get to do that. He kissed him and he kissed him. Jordan has always been the tough one between the two of us. He doesn't cry very often, and he doesn't usually show his emotion around people, including me. So to see my "tough" husband this way broke my heart even more. Our family came one by one to kiss our boy and say goodbye. I will never forget watching my parents rock their grandson who had stole their heart since he came home to their house. Living with my parents temporarily has given them an opportunity to bond with both our babies in a special way. They sobbed and they sobbed. Azleigh rocked her brother over and over again singing "I am a Child of God". Being 20 months old, she understood way more than we gave her credit for. To be honest, I think she's known more from the beginning and that is what she has handled things so well and fell head over hills for her baby brother from day 1.

The Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organization sent someone over to take some pictures of Tytan and our family. Our surgeon and cardiologist spent much of the afternoon in our room talking with us. Later that night I was able to do something I had missed so badly. We had the sweetest nurse in the world who went above and beyond to organize our room and a bed, so I could sleep with my little guy for one of the very last times. It is a night I will never forget, and for the first time in 2 months I felt whole whole again. I was able to hold my baby all night long with my hand on his chest feeling his chest rise and fall. I'm pretty sure Tytan loved it just as much as I did.

Friday is the day I think I finally accepted what was about to become our reality. Over the past 2 months, I don't think I was in denial or really naive to what was going on, but I truly felt in my heart that it wasn't Tytan's time yet. I couldn't possible imagine his mission being over when he had touched SO SO many people in 6 short months. I just knew the Lord had a miracle for us, and Tytan was going to continue to change lives. Friday day was a pretty quiet day with just the 4 of us. We spent the day reading books, cuddling, and enjoying some of our last moments as a family of 4. Tytan actually started to look a little better, and the doctors even came and talked to us about trying to get us home on hospice because Tytan could be around for days or even weeks. Friday night at about midnight our world changed and we as parents witnessed the hardest night of Tytan's life. Every night Tytan would go into SVT. Usually they could get him out after shocking him once or twice. This night was different. Tytan wouldn't come out of SVT. His poor little body was shot, and the docs were trying every possible thing. They first started to shock him and after about 10 times they decided to call the EP doctors and ask for their suggestions. They told them to 4x the Adenisene and give to him. This was the absolute highest dose they had ever given to a baby. They gave him the shot and we all watched his heart flatline (which it is what it's suppose to do) and pretty soon it started right back into SVT. They tried gagging him over and over again to hopefully get his heart to restart. At this point, they once again sat us down. They told us the only thing they had left to do was to try the shocking paddles. They informed us that this could stop his heart completely, and he would be gone right then unless we chose to do CPR. Jordan and I briefly talked about it as a couple and knelt down in prayer. We both felt we would try it ONE time, and if he didn't come out of SVT we would keep him comfortable until his little heart couldn't beat any longer. At this point, we had 3 different doctors in tears, Tytan's nurse in tears, and many who were ready to walk out because they truly felt like they were torturing Tyt. They were trying to help him but truly he was tortured that night. As a parent you can't comprehend the pain it causes you to witness such a thing. Finally we all crossed our fingers and got the paddles hooked up. I couldn't watch my little baby's body lift off the bed, so I stayed in the hall while Jord stayed close to his bed. It worked and his heart went back to sinus rhythm, BUT he wasn't breathing. The respiratory therapist bagged him for about 10 minutes until he started breathing regularly on his own. They needed another IV, and his poor body was so done. They couldn't get a vein and poked him 9 times before they finally got something. Once he was settled medically, we finally rocked him and rocked him and rocked him half the night. Finally Jord decided he was going to go get some sleep in a sleep room down the hall, so I decided to go with him for a second to change out of my clothes. As we got to the room, we both knew we had to make some decisions. We couldn't put Tytan through the torture he had went through tonight anymore. Jordan and I once again felt we needed to get down on our knees. We prayed more in the 2 and a half months we were there than we did our entire lives. We were in constant fasting and pray. I swear we fasted every other day for our little boy to be healed. We prayed every single night and had a constant prayer in our heart that he would be healed, and that we would be able to watch him learn and grow. This was the first night in Tytan's ENTIRE life that we prayed for something more, something different. We prayed for the strength to let go of our will and trust in the Lord's will. We prayed that the Lord would take Tytan home if he wasn't going to heal him, and we prayed that Tytan and the Lord would declare when it was Tytan's time to go, so we as a parent didn't have to make that choice or live with the fact we had to make that choice. We prayed that Tytan would be out of pain and would pass peacefully when that time approached. We cried and we cried and we cried, but as we ended our prayer we both were overwhelmed with a sense of peace, and we knew Tytan's mission on this earth was coming to an end. I kissed Jord goodnight and headed back to sleep in my baby boy's room. For the first time in this journey, I had accepted the Lord's plan for Tytan. I no longer pleaded with him to save him, and I no longer asked him to let me keep him. I was filled with the reassurance that he would be safe, not here, but in the arms of our loving Heavenly Father. I knew he was mine forever, and I would have the opportunity to raise him again, but not this life. Tytan was valiant enough that it was almost time for him to return home, and as a earthly mother I had to let him. I now know this is what both Tytan and Heavenly Father were waiting for. They were waiting for me to accept it and to be okay with it. Of course I will never be okay with losing my son, but after this particular night I had a whole new concept of HAVING to let him go.

I can't begin to tell you how wonderful the staff was with us. They tried so hard to make things just a little easier. They accommodated my every wish and let me do everything I wanted, that you can with a super sick babe in ICU, with my two little ones. We took Tytan and Az on one last wagon ride together. They both loved it. It tore me apart knowing these moments on earth wouldn't be possible for much longer, but I tried not to think of it and tried to enjoy BOTH my babies together. Saturday we also had to meet with the team ONCE AGAIN and make some decisions. We had to make the choice to DNR or not where there was no other life saving equipment that could be used on Tytan. CPR would only hurt Tytan and keep him here until he crashed again. Along with the team, we chose we would continue to treat Tytan medically meaning we would keep him on all his heart meds, pain meds, etc. but we would not do anything invasive anymore. Watching her write DNR on Tytan's chart felt like I was writing "kill my child". If it was for me I would have given him CPR for the rest of his life to keep him here with me, but I had to realize as a parent you can't be selfish. It wasn't about me. It was about Tytan. Tytan didn't deserve to suffer any longer. When his body, mind, and spirit declared it was time to go that as a mother I had to let him go whether it's what I wanted or not. Tytan did well for most of the day. Once again, late that night Tytan's stubborn little whacked heart went into SVT AGAIN. :[ We chose to try shocking him one time and nothing else. If it didn't work we were going to once again keep him comfortable until that little heart stopped beating. Luckily it worked and we were able to spend one more night with our boy. Jord slept in the fold out bed in his room, and I slept in the rocking chair with Tyt.

Tytan was blessed in the hospital when he was just 5 days old the night before his first OHS.My mom's wonderful friend sewed him a little tux, but I never got the chance to have pictures of him taken in it. Thanks to one of my friends who had another friend who was a photographer in the area we were able to get a few pictures of him in his suit. He looks so sick, yet so angelic. He is definitely a little angel who was patiently waiting to earn his wings.

Sunday was Tytan's half birthday, so we decided we would throw him a party because the reality was he wouldn't be here for his 1st birthday. The night before Jord stayed with Tyt while I ran to the store for a minute to get balloons and a few decorations. My sister in law offered to make a cake, and Child Life let me use their supplies to make a poster. My dad came early so he could hold Tytan while I got the room decorated and changed my clothes. We got Tytan dressed up, and I just have to say he looked like such a little stud in his colored jeans and button up. All of our family/friends came up for his party at 2:00.
We had no idea Tytan was going to pass that day, but now looking back there was a spirit in the room that day that wasn't present any other day. There was always a sweet spirit, but not like this one. Tytan's little body was so wore out and things were slowly shutting down, but on this day he was so awake. He knew it was last day on earth, and he was sure he told everyone goodbye. He spent much of his time looking upward, and I now know he was conversing with the angels. We sang happy birthday to our boy, took pictures, had cake, and just visited. Tytan hadn't had anything by mouth in over 2 months, but we made sure he got a taste of frosting that day. Most of our family had left or at least were out in the waiting room. Jord had stepped out to talk on the phone. I was holding my boy and visiting with my friends: Tammy, Kristal, Aidaly, & Leah. Tytan has been given some pain medication about a half hour before. I turned and noticed his heart rate was a little lower than usual. I asked his nurse Brandon if that was normal, and he assured me it wasn't anything to worry about. Sometimes the pain meds can lower your heart rate. I continued to watch the monitor and within seconds his heart rate started to drop. It went from 120 to 109 to 91 to 89 to 70 to 62 to 48 to 27 to 18 to 11 to 7 to 0. Yes I very vividly remember each one of those numbers. Tytan was asleep until his heart hit O, and he opened those big bright blue eyes in fear. I could tell he was scared, torn, and not sure what was happening. At that moment.... I said the hardest words as a parents. "You can let go now Tytan. You've passed your test. Mommy will be okay!" I watched his little chest rise about 3-4 more times after and he was gone. My friends ran to grab Jord, so he could be with us as he passed. 
At 4:00 P.M in room 7 in the Cardiac ICU, the same room he started life in, our sweet little boy was pronounced passed. Our prayers were answered. No not in the way we had hoped for or originally planned. He answered our prayers by freeing him from pain, letting Tytan declare it was his time, and allowing our boy to pass quick and peacefully. I will never forget the peace and spirit that filled the room and my heart. I was surrounded by my amazing husband and the doctors and nurses who I had learned to love so much. I couldn't help but cry out "He's free. He's whole. He is no longer suffering." My heart was broken and I wasn't sure how I would ever survive, but all I did know is my baby boy was finally free. He never again in his life would have to be poked, shocked, cut open, or hurt in anyway. To a mother who had watched their baby fight and struggle for their entire life, but especially the past 2 months this brought more comfort and peace than anything in the world at that particular moment.
The next 6 hours were the most spiritual moments of my entire life. I have never felt the spirit the way I did that night in Room 7 in the ICU. Right after Tytan passed I requested that everything "medical" be removed. For the first time in over 2 months I was able to see my baby's body completely free of cords, IV's, 02, and any other tubes. For the first time in 2 months I was able to walk around the room without worrying about going too far from the bed. Soon after all our family came in and seen Tytan. We were able to rock him, to love him, and to treat him like we did at home. Azleigh got to come sing to her baby one last time. I know during these moments it was only his body, but his spirit was SO SO close I felt like I still had my baby boy. After a few hours, we asked our family to leave, so Jordan and I could spend some alone time with our boy. We rocked him, sang to him, told him everything we wanted to, and kissed his sweet little lips at least a million times. We called the mortuary and asked them to be there at 10:00 that night. Time passed by so quickly, and it was getting close. We were able to bath our baby for the last time here on earth. We dressed him in his "superman" outfit and wrapped him tight in one of his favorite blankets. They told us they could take him downstairs to their morg until our mortician came to get him, but the thoughts of that freaked me right out. I felt it was my responsibility as his mother to take care of his body as long as I could. Jordan packed up our room, which basically looked like a house after 2 months there, and the time. Our nurses took turns holding our boy, kissing him, and we said our farewells to the ICU staff who became family to us. We met Mike, the mortician, and we walked downstairs. The time came to hand over my baby for the last time. I'll never forget what Mike said... There is nothing harder than taking a baby out of their mother's arms. I promise I will take the best possible care of him. He walked out one door with my baby, and we walked out another hand in hand. For the first time..... Reality hit & it hit hard. We were left empty handed and broken heart. We never again would enter into those doors to see our baby Tytan. We would never again be walking out of the doors with our baby in our arms. He was gone from this earth.
As soon as we left the hospital we returned to the Ronald McDonald House to stay the night. Azleigh stayed with us and asked for her baby Tyt multiple times through the night which was like pouring salt on an open wound. As you can imagine no one got much sleep that night. Our pillows were wet from all the tears and our bodies were mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.
As much as I long to hold my baby boy that night and every night since I couldn't help but think of the reunion when my sweet valiant baby boy passed through the veil. I could vividly picture my boy on the lap of our Heavenly Father both grinning as the Father said, "Well done, my son. You passed your test and you passed your test well. You completed your mission on earth, and now it is time to teach the people here on the other side." I wish so badly I could have been there for that reunion. I know how proud I am of my son, so I can only imagine how proud our Heavenly Father was and still is today.
It is a day I will never forget and a day I never ever in this life want to relive. We have witnessed much heartbreak but also many miracles and tender mercies of the Lord throughout this journey. We ache to hold our Tytan boy every second of every day, but we know his is safe and happy. We never have to worry about him and what he is doing. We are so grateful the Lord trusted us to be the parents of such a valiant, perfect, celestial, and righteous little boy who is ours forever and ever as long as we do our part. Every single day is a struggle, but with the gospel, faith, and the prayers of so many loved ones each day we feel a little more hope, a little more peace, and a little stronger to get through another hard day. We love you Tytan and look so forward to our reunion! Thank you for choosing to be our son and stepping up to pave the way for our family!!