Team Tytan 5K

In the 6 short months Tytan was here, he changed countless lives. People all over the world were inspired and touched by his life, his story, & his spirit. After his passed away, I didn't want that to change. I wanted Tytan Walker to continue to touch lives. I wanted legacy to live on. It was up to us to make that happen. The past year we have tried to surround ourselves in service in memory and honor of Tytan. Not only has it done that, but it has helped us. It has helped us with our grief and it has gave us the satisfaction that something good has came from something extremely terrible. For his 1st birthday, we chose to put together survival kits for Primary Children's Hospital. The love & support we received from the community, strangers, and loved ones were phenomial. Tytan's peditrician office donated $500 to put towards the kits. We were able to put together almost 150 kits for parents in the ICU. I was amazed and completely humbled by all the giving people.

I once again wanted to do something again for Tytan's Angel Day to remember him but pay-it-forward in some way. The following year when we were in the hospital with Tytan, the community put together a 5K to raise money for us to help with medical expenses. I wanted to do another 5K this year and donate the funds to Primary Children's Hospital or a family with a child who was battling an illness. For an entire year it was on my mind, but I was scared. I was scared it'd be a failure and no one would come, so I kept putting it off. About 2 weeks before Tytan's Angel Day I decided to go for it. I didn't know what kind of outcome we would have, but I decided I would try. If we had anyone come I would donate what we got to Primary's. I simply made a flyer and posted it on Facebook- that was it. By the end of the night, I had 30 people signed up. By the day of the race, we had almost 200 people who had registered or bought a shirt. I cannot begin to tell you what things like this do to my heart. There is nothing more rewarding or heart warming than seeing others come together to serve others.

Tytan's 1st Angel day was a hard one, a real hard but I can't express the way it made a grieving mother feel to know their sweet little boy was loved and cared about by so many. It turned out to be an absolutely wonderful evening, and even though our sweet baby was not there physically, his strong spirit was very apparent. Thank you to all those to helped, participated, and was a part of a very bittersweet day in our lives. We love you all and are so grateful for your continual love & support!

"The Rainbow After the Storm"

In November 2014, we welcomed our sweet little rainbow baby girl and we honestly couldn't be more in love with her! She has truly been our little piece of Heaven in our home and reminds us a lot of our little angel boy Tytan. It was amazing the spirit she brought when she entered the world- you could tell big brother had definitely prepared her and was in her presence.

Our sweet little girl has in no way replaced our little man Tytan, but she has helped all 3 of our hearts in ways we never imagined. We still have a large piece of our hearts missing and a hole that will NEVER be filled until we are reunited again, but this little lady has reminded us that we can still experience joy and happiness. She has shown us that even though our hearts are broken we are still capable of loving more than we ever thought was possible. Big sister is in Heaven with a new little sibling to love on, but she still never forgets her Tytie. He is still included in every prayer, every family conversation, and he plays with the girls often according to her. Daddy is loving all the baby snuggles he gets from our little sweetie. As for me, this little one truly my rainbow. She has something about her that just melts my heart. We are so over the moon for these babies and incredibly grateful the Lord has blessed us with our little sunshine Az, our angel boy Tytan, and our sweet rainbow baby Demreigh! :)

The Dreaded Year Mark

For 365 days, I dreaded hitting our 1st Angel Anniversary. The thoughts of it made me want to crawl up in a hole and never come up. I couldn't possibly imagine having to go a whole year without my baby, and even more so the thoughts of telling people "our little boy passed away a year ago". I know it sounds silly or strange, but I hate the time passing. For me, it has only gotten harder rather than easier because I feel like each day is one more day without him. One more day without his smile. One more day without blue in our home. One more day with that hole in our heart.
For the past year up until today, I have been able to say "I just wish I could go back to where we were a year ago" or "A year ago from today our little man was doing this". Now a year has passed and I can't say those things any longer. We have officially went an ENTIRE year celebrating, well more like surviving, of holidays. I should be taking Tytan to his 18th month check-up and instead I am just trying to get through the anniversary day of his passing. I really hate the fact he died on the same day of the month as his birthday because I feel like every month we celebrate him being one month older, yet mourn for the fact it's one more day without him.
This past year has been hard, the hardest most painful year of my life. This past year multiple times I have questioned myself, my marriage, & even my faith. I have cried more tears than I ever thought was possible. I have spent more time looking at pictures and reminiscing on memories than I did making new ones. I have asked question after question trying to understand why and still haven't found the answer I want. Along with all those not so good things I have experienced a lot of good. I have learned lessons, witnessed miracles, and seen just how much our Heavenly Father loves us.
Believe it or not, on October 20th, 2013 after our little man left earth and entered back into the Kingdom of God I remember feeling a sense of peace. I was devastated and my heart broke into a million pieces, but for the first time in 6 months my baby was no longer suffering. He was free. That sense of peace got me through about the first week after Tytan's passing. I still remember waking up the following Monday morning and reality hitting me like a ton of bricks. Jordan had went back to Vernal, the funeral was over, visitors no longer stopped by, and I was left ALONE. It finally hit me my baby was gone. The little boy I have eat, slept, and breathed for the past 6 months was no longer in my arms. Every day from that day forward it has tugged at my heart just a little harder that he is gone. I miss everything about him- I miss the heart world. I miss the doctors & nurses who became family to us. I miss the life that I was so scared to live. I wish so badly our story would have ended differently. I wish so badly our Tytan was the "miracle" who lived to be 100 years old with "half a heart", but unfortunately that wasn't the Lord's plan. Sometimes accepting the plan is the hardest part of it all. Many time I have asked "Why?" Why Tytan? Why only 6 months?  Why didn't he heal my son when he has the power and heals people every single day? Accepting the Lord's plan and coming to term with what happened has been something I have to work on every single day. It all comes down to one word- FAITH. I have to have it. I have to believe. I have to trust. One day when all is said and done I will KNOW all the answers to the questions I asked above, but until then I must be patient and have FAITH!
This past year we have been blessed beyond measure I must say. We have had so many wonderful people carry us through. It has been the ones who I never imagined be there, and the ones I had hoped would be there walk away. I can't begin to thank you all enough for the prayers in our behalf this ENTIRE year. We have felt them- every single one of them. Thank you for the gifts in memory of our baby boy- the ornaments, the pictures, the plaques. Thank you to those who have visited his "special spot" leaving notes, balloons, toys, etc. Nothing makes a grieving mom feel better than knowing her baby boy hasn't been forgotten. Thank you for allowing me to share our journey through words & pictures. Thank you for all your sweet comments. It is because of all you that we somehow survived an entire 365 days and as hard & excruciating as it sounds we will find a way to get through another 365 days without our boy our heart. The days are going to pass, the seasons will change, we will age, and life will go, but our Tytan will NEVER be forgotten. He will always be in our hearts & in our lives. He is the reason we are now who we are- he is the reason we now strive for what we do- he is our hope - he is inspiration - he has paved the way for our family. I look so forward to the day I we are all reunited. Until then.... We will continue to get by one day at a time.

"Live Like You Were Dying"

        Many years ago, Tim Mcgraw came out with a song called, "Live Like You Were Dying". In this song, he talks about a man who was told his time here on earth was short. It talks about the things the man went to do before he passed. This is a song that a has gained a greater meaning in our life over the past year and has become a motto that is constantly in my mind.
         No I wasn't told by a team of doctors that my time on earth was about to come to an end, but one year ago today I WAS told by a team of doctors that "there was nothing more they could do for my almost 6 month baby boy" and he would soon be leaving our arms and this earth. There is nothing in the world that can prepare you to hear those words. We had spent over the past 2 months in the hospital fighting for our boy's life. We had heard the words, "he can't get much worse" or "there is not much more we can do" but never those words. Jordan was at work that day, and if you can only imagine the fear & heartache he felt when he heard those words over the phone and was still 2 1/2 hours from the hospital where his wife, little girl, and sweet baby boy were. I don't want to know how fast he drove that day, but all I can say is he made it to us in record timing that day. We weren't told an exact timeline of when Tytan would go. They said it could be hours, days, or maybe even weeks. With Tytan's fight and determination nothing would surprise them. So for the next four days as a family of four we were given the opportunity to "live like we were dying" and in fact one of us was. Our perfect baby boy would be returning home shortly, and we decided to make the most of what we could with what we had been given. It wasn't the life we chose, but the life that chose us. Tytan at this point was very ill, so of course we weren't able to fly cross country and complete a bucket list for him. Part of me wishes so badly we could have, but I have realized most of our bucket list items are nothing more than worldly things. The most important thing in this entire world is FAMILY. So for the next 4 days, we did just that- spent every minute we could as a family. We cherished them then and we still cherish them today. We will always cherish our last moments as a "family of four".
         One of the hardest things for me to accept was Azleigh would soon be losing her best friend. People have a hard time understanding the connection and relationship they shared because Azleigh was so little, but it was something you just had to see to believe. They were buddies from Day 1 and that girl NEVER missed a day seeing her brother. Thank heavens for my wonderful mom who made it possible and brought her to the hospital each day to spend time with Tytan. She would read him a book every day, give a million kisses, and in the last days spent rocking and singing to him "I am a Child of God. Tytan couldn't asked or picked a better big sister if he tried. She truly is the best and loved him more than anyone I know. She was such a trooper through it all and just seemed to "get it". She was there within minutes of him being born and was there as he took his last breath here on earth. Here are some of the special moments our sweet babies were able to share in Tytan's last days.

   Tytan had been so sick and hooked to so many machines and wires that he was pretty much on lock down in his room. It was a chore even to untangle everything to hold him in the chair next to his bed. The day before Tytan passed we got permission to take Azleigh & Tytan on a ride in the wagon. We went around the CICU halls multiple times, and Tytan even got to feel the sunshine on his face for the first time in over 2 months. He just looked around and loved every minute of it. This is a memory engraved in my mind forever, and I'm so grateful we were able to do this.

     We also had 2 family photo shoots thanks to very generous people at the hospital and also friends. I was able to get some of my babies together, us as a fam of 4, and Tytan in his blessing outfit. These pictures are some that are far from perfect. We're not dressed up for either of them, but in my eyes are beautiful and will forever be in our home. Tytan's last photoshoot :]

The nurses at PCH are amazing!! 90% of them go above and beyond to make things a little better. Everyone up there knew I slept with Tytan when he was home. This is something I had missed terribly since he got so sick. For Tytan's last 2 nights on earth, I was able to make a bed next to him and hold him all night long. Tytan and I loved it! He slept so good and was so content. You could just tell he felt safe in the arms of his mommy. I am so grateful that the nurses cared about both of us enough and knew we both needed those nights together!!

Lastly, we knew Tytan would never live to see his 1st birthday, and the thoughts of him never having a party seriously killed me. Jord and I decided we would throw him a half birthday party on Sunday, October 20th when he turned 6 months old. We decorated his room, invited all our family, and my sister in law even made him a cake. We sang to him and celebrate his sweet little life. Little did we know Tytan would enter into Heaven within hours of his celebration. I am so grateful we were able to do this and all of our family was able to be there to love on him one last time. If Tytan knew anything- he knew he was loved, SO LOVED!!

     Part of me feels fortunate that I never EVER took advantage of Tytan or the time I had him here for granted. I guess that is one of the positives that come from the heart world- you learn just how fragile life is.  From the time he was born, I didn't know how long I would have him. To be honest, I truly felt like he would be around for a long time, but now looking back I must have known more than I thought I did because of the things I did. I spent every second of every day with him from the time he was about 3 hours old. I never left the hospital, not even at nights, and at home I held him all day and night. I would let my mom or Jord hold him long enough to shower, but that was usually it. I spent many days sitting in the chair in my lounge clothes doing absolutely nothing but snuggling, getting grins, and taking pictures. I am so grateful for the 5000+ pictures I have of him in his short life. I look through them every day. They break my heart and make me feel whole all at the same time. I am grateful I have a husband who sacrificed his time and worked out of town all week at the time, so I could stay home with our babies and never have to leave them. As much as he hated to leave Sunday nights, he never complained or made me feel bad. I cherish the 6 months Tytan was in my arms and our home. He touched our hearts in an very sacred way and changed our lives forever!
        As humans, we often take things for granted. Each of us are so blessed and have so much that we forget to be thankful for the simple things. We often forget that things that seem simple to us may be something someone else is praying for. Never take ANYTHING big or small for granted. If I have learned anything at all, I know that "Tomorrow is NEVER promised, so make the best of Today!" I challenge each of you to step back and reevaluate your life. Are you priorities in order? Are you "Living Like You Are Dying?" We may all have regrets or things we wished we would have done differently whether you live a near perfect or not so perfect life, but I can promise you will never regret putting your family first and cherishing each moment with them. There will never be enough time or money to do everything you need to do, but make sure to make the time for your family. If you are working out of town- start looking for ways to be home at night with your family. If you are both working just so you have "extra" money to play, buy worldly things, etc. consider figuring a way to make it work on one income or even go part time. If you spend your weekends with friends and send the kids to grandpa & grandma's house try staying home as a family for a weekend.
I am sure if we were all told exactly how long we would have here on earth, or how long we would have our children and spouses we would probably do things so much differently. The worldly things, going out with friends, 2 hours a day at the gym, new play toys, and "alone time" wouldn't matter as much. Yes I know those things are fun and still important to us, but make your family the most important. If each of us had an expiration date, we would probably do things differently. Don't wait until it's too late. Start now. Be a better mother or father. Be a better spouse. Be a better friend. Be a better YOU!! If you want to change or aren't on the path you know you should be-- don't wait. Stop thinking you can always change tomorrow, next month, or even next year. The time to change is NOW! If there is there something you want to tell someone- do it now. Make sure those who mean the most to you know how much you love them. Live each day as it is your last and always remember Tomorrow Is Never Promised!

Everyday Struggles

Some days are okay, some days are bad, and other days are real bad. Today has been one of those days. Azleigh is struggling and really missing her baby brother. She prays every day "he will come back to us." This morning when she woke up I asked her the usual, "What do you want to do today? To my surprise she caught me off guard and replied, "Can we please just go see the real Baby Tytan? I miss my baby brother that smiles at me." At that moment I felt a knife stab me in the heart. Why does a 2 year old little girl have to know this kind of pain. She misses her brother so much and it is becoming even more apparent as she gets older. It's hard to explain to a little one that we can't just visit Heaven for a day. Since we couldn't go see the "Real Tytan" we settled for watching videos and looking through pictures of our boy. It breaks my heart to see Azleigh cry for her brother. It didn't hit me until today just how much life has changed, not only for me, but for all of us. Even our sweet little lady's world has been rocked.
For 11 months  now, we have struggled in some way every single day. There are triggers in life coming up constantly, some hitting harder than others. I knew October 20th, 2013 our lives were forever changed, but I'll be honest I don't think I realized to what extent. I was in denial and hoped we could just wake up from this horrible horrible nightmare we were living.
11 months, 15 days, and 4 hours, and 7 minutes have passed since that day we said farewell to our little guy. For over 10 months now, we have been forced to live a life we didn't choose and tortured with triggers that used to bring so much joy and now can bring so much pain. People can't understand the hurt, the loneliness, and the emptiness that comes with losing a child unless you have lost one personally. You wake up missing a piece of your heart and go to bed missing that same piece. It NEVER goes away. Some days it hurts worse than others, but the hurt is always there. Death changes EVERYTHING, especially the unexpected loss of a young child. It's not something you'll ever be prepared for and turns your world upside down emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially. It changes everyone involved whether its your 2 year old daughter or your 60 year old father.
Honestly about every hour of every day something "triggers" me of my Tytan. Some of them are happy triggers, and others are torture and just a reminder that my baby boy isn't here.
Some of the things I used to LOVE so much now seem to be painful.
Pictures are hard, but especially family pictures- Anyone that knows me knows I LOVE pictures. I take a million a day, especially of my kiddos. In the six months of Tytan's life I was able to take over 5000 pictures. Even though I cherish every single one of them, I still wish I had more. The past 11 months I have really struggled to take a family picture. I want to have the pictures for the memories, but they just don't look right- like someone is missing. A very special someone- a handsome little man that completely stole our hearts and changed our world. It's hard knowing how matter how big our family grows there will never be a complete picture. I hate knowing Tytan's picture on the walls will never change past 6 months. I don't get to compare pictures each year when I update and see how much he's changed. There will never be a baptism, graduation, mission, or wedding picture of Tytan's on our wall. Those milestones are ones we will miss out on in this life, and it kills me not being able to experience each and everyone of those things with him right now.
Shopping- This used to be one of my absolute favorite things to do, if not the most favorite. I seriously LOVED to shop, but even more than that I have an obsession with baby clothes and buying them for my kids. Both of my kids could clothe a colony in Africa they have so many. I love them!! Before Tytan was born & we found out about his heart I'll be honest there was a point I was too scared to buy him things because we honestly didn't know if he'd ever come home after being born. Once we had him & he did so well, I went crazy! I bought him clothes out the wahzoo all the way from preemie to 2T. I have the cutest little outfits still with tags hanging in our closet torturing me because I will never see him in them. The torture is not only at home, but EVERY single clothing store I walk into. As many of you know, we are expecting another little girl next month so I have been trying to find matching clothes for the 2 girls. It breaks my heart to walk past the boy aisle and see something in the same color because in my heart I know there should be one more. I should have a handsome blue eyed, blonde fohawked little boy to match his sisters.
Seeing other little boys his age & the things they are doing reminds me my little boy should be doing the same thing. Of course, I will never wish this upon any parent to lose their child, but I'll be honest I am a bit envious of those who get to watch their babies grow up. It stings just a little knowing what life COULD of been and now what life is.

I could go on and on of all the things that make those hard days just a little harder. We all have things in life that make things hard. For me it is the loss of our baby boy, but there are so many other trials in life that cause us to experience everyday struggles- whether it be abuse, a divorce, our own self esteem, finances, death, a medical illness. etc. Some of these things are bigger than others, but one thing I have realized through this experience is we are all different and the Lord knows that. The Lord gives us trials according to what we can handle. Of course these trials are going to test us and we may think often "I can't handle this", but with the help of the Lord and the people he has put around us we can get through the hardest of times. Be kind to those around you. Recognize the struggles that we all have in life, and do your best to love one another, especially through those struggles.

Look to the Children as an Example

One of our greatest strengths and testimony builders through our entire struggle has been our sweet little two year old daughter. She has not only brought us joy, comfort, and happiness we thought was lost, but she has also brought us insight and so much knowledge of the plan of salvation. 

How can that be?? She is only 2 years old. Our Father in Heaven, in His great wisdom and love, sends His spirit sons and daughters to this earth as children. They come to families as precious gifts with a divine nature and destiny. Our Heavenly Father knows children are a key to helping us become like Him. There is so much we can learn from children. We have learned more from our little Az through this grieving journey than we have anyone else. Anyone that knows our little miss knows she's almost too good to be true. She is the smartest and sweetest little lady and far beyond her age. She just gets things that she shouldn't understand at the young age of 2. I know this is no mistake. The Lord sent her to us for a reason. He knew we would need her extra strength, spirit, and knowledge. He was so right! Azleigh is a constant reminder to us that Tytan is safe in the arms of a loving Heavenly Father! 

We have witnessed many sacred experiences between our two beautiful children since Tytan has passed. On many occasions Azleigh has had "special visits" from her baby brother Tyt. We have felt his presence as he converses and play with him. Back in March, we took Az to Disneyland. We had plans to take both kids this Spring because Tytan would have 2 of his surgeries over and was suppose to be stable by then. As hard as it was to go without our little man we felt we needed to take Az after the year she had experienced as well. We tried to just enjoy our family vacation, but each of our hearts were missing a little piece, especially mine. I was feeling so guilty, so sad, and so incomplete traveling to what is supposedly the "happiest place on earth" without my entire family. I tried not to let grief get the best of me and kept quiet about it. On day 2, we went to the beach. Our little miss was running wild having the time of her life. Out of nowhere she came running back to us and said, "mommy Tytans here to play with me and he brought you a gift." She dumped a handful of sand in my hands and said with a big smile on her face, "this is from Tytan". For the next little while she ran around playing with someone, but not someone the earthly eye can see. I know without a doubt in my mind Tytan was there to visit her that day. It was Tytan's and the Lord's way of letting us know he was okay and that physically we weren't together as a family, but spiritually he is always close by. What a testament to me that this isn't the end. Tytan does live and will live again. We have had many of these experiences between our two babies, and I cherish everyone of them. I secretly wish I could keep Azleigh young and innocent forever because I know now the veil is so thin between these two. I never want it to change.

 

Azleigh's faith & testimony of her brother has truly amazed me. She is so sure of where he is and what he's doing. The best part of it is she's not afraid to share it either. A few weeks back her and my nephew Stratton, who is almost 4, were at the kitchen table. Tytan is a constant conversation in our home. Az was looking out the window as she said "look its Tytan's star!" Stratton shut her down with, "Tytan's dead Azy" and my sweet little girl didn't skip a beat before she responded to him, "No he's not. Tytan lives in Heaven with Heavenly Father & Jesus" I couldn't help but weep as I heard her bear her testimony and stand up to her cousin. She knows without a doubt where he is. She never questions it, and she is sure to usually tell every stranger she meets that "her brother went to Heaven because he was sick, but he's not sick anymore. He's happy because he lives with Heavenly Father and Jesus". The first couple times it was awkward and I would try to stop her because it usually led to the dreaded conversation of reliving the past, but I have finally realized how neat it is that she remembers her brother the way she does and how amazing it is that she has that testimony of where he is and what he's doing right now. 

Azleigh is our constant reminder that "It's going to be okay!" She hates to see me cry and immediately comes and puts her arms around me. She just let me hold her tight and keeps saying "don't be sad. It's going to be okay!" The other day I was having one of the "hard days" that sneak up on you. I was sitting on the couch crying looking at pictures of our little man. She asked me what was wrong and I told her I was just missing Baby Tyt and it made me sad. Once again, with confidence, she floored me with her response. "Don't be sad Mommy. Tytan's coming back to us" 

How can a 2 year old be so smart, so sure, and have so much faith in the plan of salvation? I am suppose to be teaching her at this age, but she's teaching me far more than I could ever teach her right now. She just gets it. Yes, it may be in simple terms but that's it... That's all we need to know. I think we as adults sometimes focus on the complex parts of the gospel when we really need to be more like our children and focus on the basic simple parts of the gospel. 

In Matthew 18: 3-4 Jesus Christ taught himself that we need to look to the small children as examples. 

“Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

“Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3–4).

What can children teach us? 

These precious children of God come to us with believing hearts. They are full of faith and receptive to feelings of the Spirit. They exemplify humility, obedience, and love. They are often the first to love and the first to forgive. Next time you are in a hurry... Stop and take the time to listen to your children. Watch them and learn from them. Our children are providing examples of some of the childlike qualities we need to develop or rediscover in ourselves in order to enter into the kingdom of heaven. They are bright spirits who are untarnished by the world—teachable and full of faith. It is no wonder the Savior has a special love and appreciation for little children. We need to become more like them in order to return to live with our loving Heavenly Father. 

Next time you are fed up with whiny kids, needing a break, and ready to throw your hands in the air realize what a blessing it is to have these sacred children in your homes. They are the closest thing to Heaven that will ever enter into our homes. Cherish them. Respect them. Learn from them. 

Elder M. Russell Ballard has taught us the importance of the Savior’s admonition to “behold your little ones” when he said: “Notice that He didn’t say ‘glance at them’ or ‘casually observe them’ or ‘occasionally take a look in their general direction.’ He said to behold them. To me that means that we should embrace them with our eyes and with our hearts; we should see and appreciate them for who they really are: spirit children of our Heavenly Father, with divine attributes” 

I am so grateful for the opportunity I've been given to be the mom of two, soon to be three, of the most special children in the world. In the 2 and a half years of being a mother I have learned more from them than any other. I am grateful for Tytan and his valiant spirit who has paved the way for our family. He has taught us about love and trusting in The Lord and his plan. He may have only been in our home for 6 months, but he forever changed us and continually teaches us on a daily basis. I'm so grateful for Azleigh and her spirit and strength. The Lord definitely knew what he was doing when he sent her to our home. She has been the one to get us through the past 9 months. She is our constant reminder that Tytan isn't far away, and he does live and will live again. What a blessing that has been. And we are so grateful for this new little princess who is teaching us the meaning of hope and once again having faith in The Lord that everything will be okay! 

The Funeral

       The viewing and funeral and the week leading up the funeral was an out of body experience for me. I truly felt like I was a fly on a wall watching this bad dream for our family. It didn't seem real, and I felt like I was watching a sad, sad movie. This movie was different. It was my family as the movie cast, not just some strangers. And this movie wasn't just a story being acted out. It was real. This was now our reality. And in just a few short hours we would be telling our precious baby boy goodbye for the last time here on earth. I was amazed by the love and support we received from so many friends and family. We had friends from all over attend Tytan's services, and I can't begin to tell you what it meant to have them there. Of course, it didn't take the pain away, not even a little, but it felt good to know they cared. It felt good to know we mattered in their lives. 

      I remember during the viewings, I couldn't keep my eyes and hands off my baby boy. I just wanted to pick him up and run. He couldn't really be gone. He was too young. He was too perfect. Saturday morning, I was hoping time would just stand still. The second viewing started at 9:30 AM, and it was a constant line for the hour & a half we were there. I remember I kept watching the clock praying it would just go slower, so I didn't have to EVER wrapped up my precious boy and close the casket with his tiny body here on earth. The funeral director cut off the line and told us we needed to prepare to say our goodbyes, so we could start the funeral on time. Our family went first. My parents and brothers are very close to my kids, so it broke my heart to see their hearts breaking as they kissed their grandson/nephew. Then came the moment I dreaded for days. I laid my head on his small little chest and sobbed. I wanted so badly to hear a beating heart, but I couldn't and knew it wouldn't. I remember kissing his soft sweet lips and peace came over me. I vividly heard a voice in head. To be honest it was a voice I didn't recognize, but by what was said I knew it was my Tytie boy. I heard, "Don't cry mommy. I'm okay now. I promise you will see me soon" At that moment I was once again reassured and testified to that I would see my little boy again. He's not gone forever. Soon-- I'm not sure if that means months, 5 years, or 80 + years until I see him, but I know in the eternal realm of things no matter how long it is, or how long it seems, it will be soon. I look forward to that day every moment of every day. I dream of that day. O what a glorious day it will be.

     No funeral is ever good or easy, but I must say Tytan's turned out perfect. It was just what I wanted it to be. Our little Az and nieces and nephews sang so cute. The speakers did an incredible job. My humble husband was so sweet reading his only son's life sketch and carrying his sweet little casket to his resting spot. I know Tytan was there. I know Tytan approved and was proud. Tytan was happy with the way he valiant, short, and nothing but perfect little life was celebrated. 

Here is a link to a video of Tytan's Special Services - Tytan's Life Celebration