Tytan's Special Day

     I never imagined celebrating Tytan's 1st birthday without him. Since he was just a few weeks old, I started planning what his 1st birthday would be. It was going to be the biggest celebration yet. In my world, he was suppose to be past 2 open heart surgeries and on to a "semi-normal" life. I wanted to invite all our family/friends and FINALLY show him off. When Tytan passed this was one of the most devastating parts of it all. I would never get to celebrate a birthday with my boy here on earth. I would never get to experience him opening a present or digging into his cake. I wouldn't get 1 year old pictures to hang on the wall, and I wouldn't get to sing him Happy Birthday and watch him grin from ear to ear. Instead I would have to spend my day in a cemetery, hang a few balloons, and cry for what I so badly wanted.
      Tytan's 1st birthday also fell on Easter. When I first realized this I was angry, so angry. I thought how can the Lord be so mean that he would torture me with 2 holidays without my boy on the SAME day. Over time, I came to my senses and realize Easter is one of the most fitting days of the year to celebrate Tytan's birthday. Because of our Savior Jesus Christ Tytan will live again. Tytan will be whole, healthy, and have a WHOLE heart. What a beautiful truth, gift, and promise he has given each of us. I am so grateful and look forward to our reuniting every single day. I can wait to kiss that sweet baby boy's lips and watch him light up as I speak his name. I dream of that day. I crave that day. Everything I do everyday now is for that day.
     As his birthday approached closer, I was torn at what to do. To be honest, most of me wanted to lock myself in a bedroom, cry, and pray the day went as quickly as possible. The motherly part of me couldn't shake the idea of never planning a birthday party for my boy. Anyone that knows me knows I like to make birthdays a big deal. As hard as it was- I chose to have a 1st birthday for my sweet little Tytan. It was more for me and my role as a mother than it probably was for Tytan, but it something I'm sure made him happy and helped my healing as well. It wasn't the big bash I dreamed of, but it was the best I could do for my valiant son who celebrated his special day beyond the veil. Tytan always has been and always will be our little hero, so we thought a superman party was fitting for our own "little hero". We decorated his special spot and even set a little party setting up at the cemetery. We invited our family and close friends to join us. We brought gifts, sang Happy Birthday, ate cake/ice cream, wrote a special note to our boy, and sent his notes with balloons to Heaven. It turned out to be a okay day, and I know he was close by carrying me through one of the hardest days yet. It still kills me to think he has now been in Heaven longer than he was in my arms :[ The only positive thing of another day passing means I am that much closer to having him in my arms again.

It's In!!

Tytan's headstone was placed just in time for his first birthday! This has been one of the hardest days yet. As excited as I was to finally have this in place at the same time I wanted to smash it into pieces. This means it is real....Its official. I can't believe I haven't had him in my arms for almost 6 months. Today was another reality check and I know this isn't a nightmare I'll wake up out of. I miss him more than anything in the entire world, but I think his headstone turned out absolutely PERFECT!! I hope he loves it as much as we do!

Tytan's "Special Spot"

We received word from the monument company this week that Tytan's headstone would be installed within the next week as long as the weather permitted. We are very excited to see what we have worked so hard designing. Tonight we went up and got everything leveled and ready for it to be set. Sometimes when we do these things they don't seem real. I never imagined this would ever be part of my life. I never imagined I would bury a child. I never imagined I feel so peace at a cemetery as I do now.

Cemetery Sunday

We are trying to find a new normal for our life and having a child on earth and a precious child in Heaven. We love our Sundays as a family at the cemetery!

9 Months

Today means our sweet little boy has been gone 1/2 as long as we had him with us here on earth... 3 Long Months :( Why does it seem as if he's been gone forever and was only here on earth for a split second? I miss everything about him. I just wish I could rewind time & pause it forever. Everywhere I look & everything I do constantly reminds me of him. Maybe that's the Lords plan of making sure I never lose sight of where I need to return. I wish I could peek into Heaven just for a minute to make sure he's okay & taken care of but I'm sure I would never want to leave if I did. I have to constantly remind myself of the eternal perspective and remember this heartache is only temporary! One day I will have him back in my arms but until then I'll continue to be torn between two worlds --- Heaven & Earth! Happy 9 Months Baby Tyt! We love & miss you so very much!! Thank you for changing our lives and continuing to change others all around the world! We are so proud of you!!

A Special Christmas Eve

This year our Christmas Eve was a little different that what we have done in the past. We usually go to family parties but instead we stayed home. We decided we wanted it to be our "Christmas with Tytan"! With my parents, brother Brady, and the 3 of us we each took a white paper bag. We wrote a message, drew a picture, or whatever else we wanted to on the paper bag. We went to the cemetery, sang a couple Christmas songs, gave Tytan a few toys, and lit our bags with candles. It was a very neat night filled with the spirit. I know our little man was there in our presence. We are so blessed he is ours and pray the celebration in Heaven is just as wonderful as him!! Merry Christmas Baby Tyt!!

Never hated the cold more than now :[

I really don't like snow, but I dislike it even more now that I've buried a child. I know it's only his body but it gives me serious anxiety to think he is covered with snow :( Today Az and I went & uncovered his spot & shoveled us a nice trail to him so we don't have to hike in the snow! We are so ready for Spring and warm weather!

7 Months Old

Today means to things to me, my sweet little man is 7 months old & my sweet little man was taken away from me exactly 1 month ago. It was way too soon & I miss everything about him... His big blue eyes, his soft blonde hair, his smell, and his smile that could light up a room. I have hurt every second of every day since I watched him take his last breath, but somehow because of him & his example I find the strength to keep going on just more one day! I miss you little man! I know you are still here with us, but I can wait to fill these empty arms of mine with your sweet little body! I love you Tytan J! Happy 7 Months! They better be giving you the celebration you deserve in heaven! Love you tons!

Az & I spent our night in the pouring rain celebrating our sweet boy's 7 month birthday. We took him 7 balloons, one for each month. O how I wished he was here with us for these milestones.

Tytan's Special Spot

Az & I go visit our Tytie Boy on a daily basis, but Jordan is out of town all week. We try to stop by every Sunday after church before we even go home, so we can have some family time as a family of 4. Azleigh loves to go visit her baby. I have never seen a little one feel so safe, so much joy, and so much love at a cemetery. I know it is because she can see and feel her little brother close by. She runs, plays, and visits with him as if he was right behind her.

This alone is a testament to me that this life isn't the end. There is something more and these sweet spirits do live and will live with each and everyone of us again. I am so grateful for the gospel and the knowledge, hope, and peace it has given my family through this trying time. 

Lunch with our Boy

We spent our Saturday at the cemetery having lunch with our little man. We go every single day to visit, and we try really hard to make it a happy, special, safe place for Az. I want her to always look forward to visiting her brother.