I never imagined celebrating Tytan's 1st birthday without him. Since he was just a few weeks old, I started planning what his 1st birthday would be. It was going to be the biggest celebration yet. In my world, he was suppose to be past 2 open heart surgeries and on to a "semi-normal" life. I wanted to invite all our family/friends and FINALLY show him off. When Tytan passed this was one of the most devastating parts of it all. I would never get to celebrate a birthday with my boy here on earth. I would never get to experience him opening a present or digging into his cake. I wouldn't get 1 year old pictures to hang on the wall, and I wouldn't get to sing him Happy Birthday and watch him grin from ear to ear. Instead I would have to spend my day in a cemetery, hang a few balloons, and cry for what I so badly wanted.
Tytan's 1st birthday also fell on Easter. When I first realized this I was angry, so angry. I thought how can the Lord be so mean that he would torture me with 2 holidays without my boy on the SAME day. Over time, I came to my senses and realize Easter is one of the most fitting days of the year to celebrate Tytan's birthday. Because of our Savior Jesus Christ Tytan will live again. Tytan will be whole, healthy, and have a WHOLE heart. What a beautiful truth, gift, and promise he has given each of us. I am so grateful and look forward to our reuniting every single day. I can wait to kiss that sweet baby boy's lips and watch him light up as I speak his name. I dream of that day. I crave that day. Everything I do everyday now is for that day.
As his birthday approached closer, I was torn at what to do. To be honest, most of me wanted to lock myself in a bedroom, cry, and pray the day went as quickly as possible. The motherly part of me couldn't shake the idea of never planning a birthday party for my boy. Anyone that knows me knows I like to make birthdays a big deal. As hard as it was- I chose to have a 1st birthday for my sweet little Tytan. It was more for me and my role as a mother than it probably was for Tytan, but it something I'm sure made him happy and helped my healing as well. It wasn't the big bash I dreamed of, but it was the best I could do for my valiant son who celebrated his special day beyond the veil. Tytan always has been and always will be our little hero, so we thought a superman party was fitting for our own "little hero". We decorated his special spot and even set a little party setting up at the cemetery. We invited our family and close friends to join us. We brought gifts, sang Happy Birthday, ate cake/ice cream, wrote a special note to our boy, and sent his notes with balloons to Heaven. It turned out to be a okay day, and I know he was close by carrying me through one of the hardest days yet. It still kills me to think he has now been in Heaven longer than he was in my arms :[ The only positive thing of another day passing means I am that much closer to having him in my arms again.
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