Tytan's Special Day

     I never imagined celebrating Tytan's 1st birthday without him. Since he was just a few weeks old, I started planning what his 1st birthday would be. It was going to be the biggest celebration yet. In my world, he was suppose to be past 2 open heart surgeries and on to a "semi-normal" life. I wanted to invite all our family/friends and FINALLY show him off. When Tytan passed this was one of the most devastating parts of it all. I would never get to celebrate a birthday with my boy here on earth. I would never get to experience him opening a present or digging into his cake. I wouldn't get 1 year old pictures to hang on the wall, and I wouldn't get to sing him Happy Birthday and watch him grin from ear to ear. Instead I would have to spend my day in a cemetery, hang a few balloons, and cry for what I so badly wanted.
      Tytan's 1st birthday also fell on Easter. When I first realized this I was angry, so angry. I thought how can the Lord be so mean that he would torture me with 2 holidays without my boy on the SAME day. Over time, I came to my senses and realize Easter is one of the most fitting days of the year to celebrate Tytan's birthday. Because of our Savior Jesus Christ Tytan will live again. Tytan will be whole, healthy, and have a WHOLE heart. What a beautiful truth, gift, and promise he has given each of us. I am so grateful and look forward to our reuniting every single day. I can wait to kiss that sweet baby boy's lips and watch him light up as I speak his name. I dream of that day. I crave that day. Everything I do everyday now is for that day.
     As his birthday approached closer, I was torn at what to do. To be honest, most of me wanted to lock myself in a bedroom, cry, and pray the day went as quickly as possible. The motherly part of me couldn't shake the idea of never planning a birthday party for my boy. Anyone that knows me knows I like to make birthdays a big deal. As hard as it was- I chose to have a 1st birthday for my sweet little Tytan. It was more for me and my role as a mother than it probably was for Tytan, but it something I'm sure made him happy and helped my healing as well. It wasn't the big bash I dreamed of, but it was the best I could do for my valiant son who celebrated his special day beyond the veil. Tytan always has been and always will be our little hero, so we thought a superman party was fitting for our own "little hero". We decorated his special spot and even set a little party setting up at the cemetery. We invited our family and close friends to join us. We brought gifts, sang Happy Birthday, ate cake/ice cream, wrote a special note to our boy, and sent his notes with balloons to Heaven. It turned out to be a okay day, and I know he was close by carrying me through one of the hardest days yet. It still kills me to think he has now been in Heaven longer than he was in my arms :[ The only positive thing of another day passing means I am that much closer to having him in my arms again.

Happy 1st Birthday!!

One year ago, at 3:34 AM, the sweetest, most courageous, and absolutely perfect tiny little boy entered the world and changed our lives forever!! The moment I laid eyes on my precious baby I felt a spirit that I have never felt before. We knew he was a special little guy, but we didn't realize how special he really was and the series of events that would take place in 6 months. In the 6 short months he was on earth, he brought us so much joy, love, & happiness! He completed our family in so many ways and taught us so much! I can't believe it's been 6 LONG months since I kissed his tiny lips for the last time, told him it was okay to let go, and watched him take his last breathe. It has been one of the most painful weeks of my life, and I wish he could be here and we could all watch him dig into his cake with that big open mouth grin. I pray that the celebration in Heaven is way beyond what it would be here and he is surrounded by those who love him! I know it's not the end and we will someday be able to celebrate a birthday with our baby boy because of the Savior & his sacrifices! I cling and look so forward to that day! For now, we will continue to put one foot in front of the other and do all we can to please both our valiant baby boy & Heavenly Father, so we can feel that same joy we felt 6 months ago! Happy 1st Birthday Tytie Boy! We love you more than this world can comprehend!

It's Getting Closer :[

My sweet baby boy will be turning 1 in just a few short days. I can't help but reflect back on the emotions we were feeling a year ago. It still doesn't seem real everything we have experienced in one short year. It's been exactly one year today since I had this picture taken. Looking back at the series of events taken place in the last year I would have never ever thought in a million years we would go through what we did. Last year at this time we were so scared, so anxious, & so excited to meet our special little boy, but we never dreamed of having to lose him so soon. I think if I knew then what I know now I would have kept him safe inside me FOREVER! I miss every little thing about him!!

It's In!!

Tytan's headstone was placed just in time for his first birthday! This has been one of the hardest days yet. As excited as I was to finally have this in place at the same time I wanted to smash it into pieces. This means it is real....Its official. I can't believe I haven't had him in my arms for almost 6 months. Today was another reality check and I know this isn't a nightmare I'll wake up out of. I miss him more than anything in the entire world, but I think his headstone turned out absolutely PERFECT!! I hope he loves it as much as we do!

General Conference April 2014

This was the first general conference since our sweet Tytan had passed. Last General Conference we were sitting in the ICU with our sweet boy. I can very clearly remembering rocking my baby boy for the majority of the day while we listened to our prophets and apostles. I remember at the time feeling so content and at peace of what our future held. I knew our road ahead was going to be rough, but I never imagined it would end the way it did just a few weeks later. I remember hearing the talk about taking care of children with special needs and I felt like it was for me. I felt like maybe that was the journey we would be traveling-- taking care of a child with some mental disabilities. I was ready for it. Of course I was sad and mourned over what I had planned for our little Tytan, but I was ready to embark the journey and blessings of that which comes from having this special spirit in our home. I had accepted what life had given us and I was ready to move forward and make the best of our situation.
So as you can imagine since last conference I was left completely devastated and broken heart. My faith had been shaken and my testimony was stronger than it ever had been before. I looked so forward to conference and was praying I would find some answers, some peace, and some direction. Once again the Lord and his servants didn't disappoint. There was a lot of wonderful talks, but one is particular that was an answer to my prayer. It was a talk that applied to so many and could be taken in many ways. For me, I related it to life and death and my sweet boy who had recently returned to his Heavenly Parents. It was President Uchdorft who talked about in the gospel there are no endings, only interruptions. Tytan's death was not the end, nor will it never be, but a short interruption in the life we had planned. Life is eternal and if we do are part we will all be blessed with eternal life. We will have those loved ones whether they are parents, grandparents, siblings, or in my case a sweet baby. I look so forward to that day, and I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ who made it all possible.
Click here for the full talk

We also had the opportunity to attend the Sunday Session and sit 7 rows back from the pulpit is all. They were some of President Monson's tickets. They were such amazing seats and we sat with many of the general authority's family members. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and we are so grateful for the man who so kindly gave us the tickets.

Tytan's "Special Spot"

We received word from the monument company this week that Tytan's headstone would be installed within the next week as long as the weather permitted. We are very excited to see what we have worked so hard designing. Tonight we went up and got everything leveled and ready for it to be set. Sometimes when we do these things they don't seem real. I never imagined this would ever be part of my life. I never imagined I would bury a child. I never imagined I feel so peace at a cemetery as I do now.

A Feeling That Can't Be Explained

Child loss is so different from any kind of other loss. It can't be clearly explained in words -- in fact, it's impossible to explain in words. Living with this type of brokenness is like trying to live a normal life without lungs or without a heart or without veins to carry oxygen throughout our body. The heartache takes our breath away and every day we try so hard to feel okay, but every moment we're fully aware of the inner struggle to find peace in our brokenness. We cling to God and faith and heaven begging for some kind of relief. The bottom line is we miss our child. And, nothing can remedy that kind of pain!